I have a friend, Megan, that I have known since childhood. When Megan was in her 20's she was in love with Jake. Megan and Jake were dating for 5 years. They were both in love. They met and took it slow. They got to know each other. They both had careers. Jake was in advertising so he spent long hours at work. Megan was in retail and she to spent long hours at work. They had to make time to see each other because of their jobs. They had a pretty stable relationship. They had few arguments and fairly similar values. In other words they were compatible and in love.
Megan and I were different people. I was always outgoing and a big mouth. I was never considered shy. Megan was quieter and more withdrawn. I never thought of her as shy when we were growing up. Looking back I suppose she was shy. Not painfully shy but shy nevertheless.
Megan adapted to her shyness. She hid her shyness. She did not speak up in school. She got by. She had a circle of friends mainly because she was not a threat to anyone. Megan would never stab you in the back. Megan would never gossip about you. Megan would never start rumors about you. Megan never demanded things from you. Megan was easy going and easy to be with.
Megan and I got along famously. I enjoyed her company and we had a good time together. Megan felt comfortable with me so I did not notice she was shy.
Megan and I got along famously. I enjoyed her company and we had a good time together. Megan felt comfortable with me so I did not notice she was shy.
We only had one problem. We had a friend in common that lived in our apartment building. This friend, Cindy would invite Megan and myself over to play. We were about 11 years old. Cindy was one of those kids that liked to boss other kids around and create trouble. Cindy was a mean kid. She was manipulative and sneaky.
When Cindy, Megan and I got together for playing Cindy would exclude me. She would play with Megan and leave me out. Megan went along with this because she was flattered by Cindy's attention. I did not appreciate this type of treatment and stopped accepting Cindy's invites to her house. Megan continued to be friends with Cindy. I did not understand why Megan aligned with Cindy and I did not think about it much. What I did not know was that Megan was shy and she could be easily dominated by Cindy. Megan could not stand up for herself. I had no interest in dominating Megan. I just enjoyed her friendship.
Fast forward to Megan and Jake. The relationship reached a point where Megan knew Jake was the one. She wanted to get married. She did not bring this up with Jake because she was shy. She also was afraid to scare Jake with the “M” word. But she longed for marriage with Jake. They both loved each other. Jake told Megan many times he loved her. Jake never mentioned marriage. Megan was nervous and agitated over this. This was on her mind. She started to feel insecure. She wanted to talk to Jake about this but she could not. She was waiting for Jake to mention it. He did not.
She spoke to me about it. I was puzzled. I asked Megan why she did not mention this to Jake. All she said was she can't. I still did not know she was shy. She never said she was too shy to discuss it. All she said was why doesn't Jake care enough to talk about it. I had no answer to that. My only answer was that Megan should bring it up. Megan's only answer was she could not bring it up.
I told Megan what I do with things like this that come up in my life. I told her how she was at an impasse. She had drawn a line. I told her to cross that line. That is what I do when things come up. Megan said she could not cross that line. I could never understand why she could not cross that line.
That was 20 years ago. Megan and Jake parted company a few months after we talked about the “line” concept. Jake met someone else and they were married 3 months later. Jake moved away. Megan mourned her lost love for Jake. Megan became depressed. Megan never got over Jake.
The tragedy here was that Jake was waiting for Megan to mention marriage and Megan was waiting for Jake to mention marriage. Neither did and so they parted. Jake wanted to get married also. He was too shy to bring it up. He met someone that was not too shy to bring up marriage and so he married. Megan never got married. Megan lost her one true love.
What are you missing out on because your shyness inhibits you? This is sad story but it is a true story.
Could this be you? Don't miss out on the good things in your life because you are shy. Don't let your shyness impede your enjoyment of your life. Take care of your life. Take care of yourself. You can transform your life. You can cross that “line.”
Marcia, Your Confidence Coach
1 comment:
I am somewhat like Megan. But I wasn't so shy to bring up marriage. I was too shy to realize I should have left a man who said he wanted to marry me, even gave me a ring (after I badgered him), but I didn't. Because I was shy I didn't think I would meet anyone else. I stayed with him for seven years, eventally I grew a huge fibroid. Doctor's wanted to give me a hysterectomy, so I avoided doctors. Eventually I met a man and fell in love. I was already 40 with a large fibroid. When I finally found a doctor who would take it and leave my womb, the operation left me with blocked tubes. Now I am too old to have a biological child.
If I hadn't have been shy, I would have met a man sooner, when I was still fertile in my 20s. But I spent my 20s alone, because I was too shy to go out and meet people. I was undermeplyed for many years due to shyness. I've even lost jobs because I am shy.
I am still shy but not as much. I can talk to people, but my voice is very soft and I am the quiet type. This causes people to dismiss me as not as intelligent and as a doormat. So shyness has cost me a lot. I am dismayed that no one tried to help me when I was younger.
I NEVER spoke up in class. At lunch time in High school, I hid from the other kids because going to the activity room made me feel literally sick to my stomach. I even went to counseling (for my moms's alcoholism) and I refused to talk to the counselor because I was just too shy.
But when a kid is quiet and no trouble you are ignored. I tried on and off to get help for myself as an adult. But the help out there is inadequate. The physical habits and ticks of shyness aren't addressed. Having a too soft voice, being unable to make adequate eye contact, inhibited body language. I have come a long way, but I am continually frustrated by my inability to speak louder, to speak up in meetings, and to look people in the eye.
People always remark on how quiet I am and that is frustrating and embarrassing. If anyone has a shy child, I would do everything to help them learn how to be social. Shyness has greatly curtailed my life. There were so many things I wanted to do, but shyness would not allow. And the tragedy is there was really no help available.
There still isn't.
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