It is Okay to Feel Shy

I found a great site called answerology.com. It is a great community of on line people. I asked this community what they would like to know about shyness. This is one of the questions I received.

"I know one thing i'd like to see on a blog about shyness is that it's okay to be shy. i am extremely shy and i have come to understand that extremely sensitive people have good reason not to go rushing into situations where sensory and other overload can be too much to deal with. "

This is a wonderful question. It is also a complex question.

For me, personally, I can not tell someone it is not okay to be shy. That is not up to me to decide for someone else. Shyness is a personality trait. It is a personality trait such as “outgoing” is a personality trait.

However, even if I personally feel it is fine to be shy that is not necessarily how other people will feel. I may feel it is okay to be shy but may act as if it is not.
Suppose I meet someone that is shy. Suppose I engage this shy person in a conversation. Suppose the conversation goes something like this:

Me “Hi, did you agree with what was said?”
Shy Person “No.”
Me “What did you disagree with?”
Shy Person “Just everything”

At this point I will probably stop talking to you. There is really nothing more for me to say. You have provided me with all the information, conversation that you are going to share with me. I am not annoyed with you. I have not made a judgment that you are shy and that is bad. All that happened is that our conversation has ended. You may feel you could not go on any further because you felt shy. That thought may not have crossed my mind. I probably thought you had nothing more to say or you did not want to speak with me anymore. No matter what I thought the outcome is the same. I will stop talking to you.

Since I am not shy I can not describe how you felt. Of course, you know how you felt.

The point is that if you are shy this will probably be a scenario that you have experienced repeatedly. People will stop talking to you because you have ended the conversation with them. It is okay for this to happen if it is okay with you. This is a case where my opinion has no value to you. If this is the best you can do because of your shyness then that is what you have to do. If you feel fine having these short conversations then you should be okay with your shyness.

However, I do not think these short conversation are satisfying for you. I know you have more to say because you have told me many times via your e mails. So here you are in a circle. You want to say more, you have more to say but because you are shy you feel you cannot say much more. So the real question is, “are you okay with this?” If you are okay with this then you need to accept that it will be difficult for you to meet and talk to new people. It will be difficult for new people to meet and talk with you. It is not reasonable to expect a new person to continue talking with you. It is only reasonable for you to keep up your end of the conversation if you can or choose to.

There is a second part to this question. It deals with “sensory overload”. I am going to assume that people you know are encouraging you to just put yourself out there. I am also going to assume that doing this or even just the suggestion of doing this creates “sensory overload”. I am going to label this “sensory overload” stress. Putting yourself out there if you are shy causes stress. Doing something that is new and not comfortable can definitely cause stress. So of course you will want to avoid doing things that cause stress.

Once again you are back in the circle. Many social activities cause stress if you are shy. You can avoid some of these activities but there are some you must attend. Once you are in attendance you feel stress. You can protect yourself from stress but you can not fully avoid it. At some point you will be in a stressful situation. So here is million dollar question. Do you want to make the attempt to overcome your shyness thus reducing the stress you experience in these social settings or do you want to continue experiencing this stress the rest of your life? If you want to eliminate or reduce this stress then - Yes it will be a challenge for you. Yes it will be stressful working on this. And yes at some point you will reach your goal and relieve some of this stress you experience in some social settings. To be blunt – do you want to endure stress now to eventually lessen or even eliminate it later on? That is also not for me to decide. That is for you to decide.

I realize that the people close to you appear to be telling you it is easy and why can't you do it? Perhaps it will not be easy but you can do it. That is up to you. You need to weigh the present with the future. You also need to believe in yourself. You need to accept the challenge knowing you will be victorious. You need to take a risk. You need to find a plan and work on it. Take it slowly and do what you can. Do not get disappointed with as set back. Just stay on your path.

I think the best way to put this in perspective is to consider this fact. When you were a baby you did not know how to walk. Eventually you learned how to walk. You actually taught yourself how to walk. It was difficult. You struggled to pull yourself up. You struggled with balance. You grunted and groaned a lot while attempting this. You fell a lot. You were focused on being able to walk. And in the end you taught yourself how to walk. Probably the only difference between you now and you then was your thoughts. When you learned how to walk you did not have negative thoughts telling you how hard it is. You did not have negative thoughts telling you that you will never be able to walk. You practiced and practiced until you did it. You probably had 'sensory overload” but you learned how to walk in spite of that. Keep this in your mind if you want to overcome your shyness.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Setting Boundaries

Boundaries
If you are shy do you have a hard time time expressing yourself when someone asks you do something you do not want to do? If you answered yes then you know how troubling this can be. Saying yes when you mean no can mean you are spending time doing things that you really do not have the time for. However, you did not say no because you are shy so you are stuck doing something you do not have the time for. Does this inability to say no interfere with your personal relationships? Do people close to you complain that you are too busy for them?

There is a way to deal with this issue. Of course you will have to learn how to say no. However, I am going to offer a new way for you to look at saying no.

Have you ever thought about “boundaries”? When you set a boundary you are really taking care of yourself. It is also a way of protecting yourself. Doing too much can result in stress and exhaustion. If you take care of yourself you will protect yourself from excess stress and exhaustion. Yo have a right and a duty to protect yourself. So setting a boundary is about taking care of and protecting yourself. It is now out of the realm of feeling shy.

I found this great article by Joel Garfinkle on how to set boundaries. I think his technique is especially useful if you are shy.

TOP 10 WAYS TO SET BOUNDARIES
Constant demands and requests from coworkers, colleagues, friends, and families can leave you drained and frustrated. It's not an easy thing to say "no" to someone or something. Change your perspective - you're saying "yes" to you and to your priorities and needs. You're not saying "no" to a person, but to his/her request. Boundaries protect your comfort zone.
Boundaries are not negotiable. You must communicate that gently, yet firmly, to others. When you set boundaries for yourself and respect the boundaries of others, you are actually building stronger relationships. Here are 10 ways to set and maintain boundaries and gain time, energy, and respect for yourself and others.
1. List people who drain your energy.
Even if you like them, they take your time without your permission.
2. Identify which boundaries you need to set.
Try to determing if you have trouble setting boundaries with specific people or specific situations. For example, you may be able to set a boundary with coworkers, but not clients.
3. You have a right to set boundaries.
Many people mistakenly believe that setting boundaries upsets other people. While others may not get what they want in the short run, you will garner more respect from them and for yourself by standing up for your needs.
4. Make a short affirmation to describe your new boundary.
An example would be, "I get to decide how to spend my time." or "My time is valuable and irreplaceable." Use whatever words are most powerful for you. Use an affirmation to remind you that setting boundaries is the right thing to do.
5. Rehearse away from work.
Talk to yourself in the mirror, write in your journal, tape record yourself, or find a trusted friend to role-play with. This is new behavior. The more you practice it, the better you will become.
6. Offer options to the other person.
Look for a win-win situation by taking control. For example, "I know that you would like to speak with me. Right now I need to finish this task. Can I call you later or would tomorrow be better?"
7. Communicate without anger.
Be clear and respectful. Use language that feels comfortable to you. Keep in mind that you are saying "no" to an unreasonable request, not a person as an individual.
8. Relax.
Before you respond, breathe deeply. Remember, you are saying "yes" to you and your time.
9. Think ahead and prepare.
List common situations that could use a boundary. If one of them comes up, you will have a pattern of action you can use at your fingertips. You won't even have to think about the best way to handle it; you'll know.
10. Check all your life's boundaries.
See if you need to set boundaries with family and loved ones. They can be a wonderful part of a full life, but they too can cause a drain on our energy, time, and vitality. Look at how you can set boundaries in all areas of your life so that you are able to truly create the life you desire.
Want more help and support with setting boundaries? Contact Joel Garfinkle and find out how he can help you set and maintain professional and personal boundaries and reclaim your energy.
Copyright 2004, Joel Garfinkle, All Rights ReservedJoel Garfinkle leads managers and executives to higher levels of professional and personal achievement. Partial client list includes: BofA, HP, GAP, Citigroup, and Eli Lilly. Visit Joel on the web at Garfinkle Executive Coaching.

Drop me a line.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Who is Your Final Authority

Red Light, Green Light

When I was little I used to play a game called Red Light, Green Light. I looked it up in Wikipedia and this is show they describe the game.
Red light, green light is a game played mostly by children. The "it" person stands at one end of the playing field, with the rest of the players at the other end. "It" turns their back to the others and calls out "Green light!" The players then run as fast as they can towards "it". At any time, "it" can face the players, calling out "Red light," and the others must freeze in place. If anyone fails to stop, they are out or must return to the starting line. Other variations include calling out "Yellow light" as a diversion, or where they must walk instead of run to "it". Calling Yellow Light has no consequence. The first player to reach the person who is "it" wins and becomes "it" for the next round
I really enjoyed the game. My friends and I played it fairly frequently. We developed little tricks to win. You could try and cheat but usually the person that was “it” had the final authority. That meant if the person that was “it” said you moved you could not challenge them. You had to go back to the beginning.
I was wondering how many times you give yourself a red light and a green light when it comes to your shyness. Also who is “it” in your life?
In the game “it” is the authority. “It” has the final say. Who has the final say in your life? I hope it is you. However, if you think about this there are probably times when someone else or something is the final authority in your life. For example you may consult with someone about one of your shyness issues. This consultation may result in criticism and you may end up feeling defeated. If a consultation ends with you feeling in the negative then you know that you are not the final authority. If you were the final authority you would consider this consultation, decide it was not of value and discard it. If you were the final authority you may decide that this consultation has some merit and find a way to implement it. So here is a case in point where you allow someone else to be the final authority.
A thing can also be the final authority in your life. Suppose you have a belief that you can not overcome your shyness. Now you have let this thing (belief) become your final authority. If you were the final authority you would be able to examine this belief and determine if it has value for you. If it does not have value then you would discard it.
What about red light, green light. How many times do you red light a valid attempt to overcome your shyness? Why are you giving yourself the red light? What about the green light? How many times do you try to get as far as you can when you give yourself the green light?
Have you devised any techniques to move as far as you can when “it” the authority is not looking? Do you want to win and overcome your shyness?
Play the game. Get as far as you can when you give yourself the green light. Become the final authority in overcoming your shyness.
Sign up for my free newsletter for more tips.
Marcia, Your Confidence Coach
http://www.notshynow.com/
PS Share your thoughts with me. Post a comment. Ask a question.

Coffee

I like coffee. I know that there is a controversy about drinking coffee. I did some research on the benefits of coffee These are some of the benefits I found.
Helps asthmatics
has antioxidants
sustain concentration
sustains alertness
increases vigor
The next group of medical benefits are still being investigated. Early studies show coffee
decreases risk of gall stone
protectant against colon cancer
lowers the risk of diabetes
lowers the risk of Alzheimer
lowers the risk of Parkinson
helps headaches
lowers the risk of liver cirrhosis
I am not saying you should or should not drink coffee. The reason I choose coffee is because there is a controversy about it. The other reason I choose it is because people who like it will drink it period. People who do not like it will not drink it. People who like it but and are health conscious will probably stop drinking it. Coffee has gotten bad press. Bad press can influence our decisions. Liking something can influence our decisions. Disliking something will certainly influence our decisions.
So what influences your decisions? Did you ever think that the decisions you make very minute, very day are a huge part of your life? So huge that these decisions determine how you act, where you are in your life and where you will be.
Today you have an assignment. Write down the decisions you make today. Next to each one consider what influenced you to make this decision. Do this for a couple of weeks.
You will see a pattern of how you operate. Does this list show you felt forced to make most of your decisions? Does this list show you did what you liked? Does this list show you just picked something? Does this list show you researched your decision. Does this list show you made a decision based on facts. Does this list show you made a decision based on emotion? How does your shyness influence your decisions? Whatever your list shows it will be illuminating. It may even surprise you. You may think of yourself as cautious but you may find you make most of your decisions based on what you like to do. This can show you how you think of yourself and how you truly operate.
I like this exercise because it is can be an eye opener. I also like it because it is fairly easy. It can help you see your shyness in a new light. If you believe that you need to understand your shyness to cope with it this exercise can put you on that path.
You input is always welcome.
Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Start your Love Campaign

So if you are anti Christmas there is an expression for that. It is bah humbug! How about if you are anti Valentine's Day? No expression. Love is great. Valentine's Day is not. It is okay at best. There should be an expression for those that are anti Valentine's Day.

I am not a lover of Valentine's Day. I know many people that weep on Valentine's Day because they are alone. How can a holiday that is about a good thing love end up making so many people feel bad? Valentine's Day reminds the loveless that they are without love.

Valentine's Day is so in your face. The cards, the ads, the giddy people. It is especially difficult for shy people. It is especially difficult for shy people that are longing for someone special.

My words of wisdom for shy people is to think of Valentine's Day as a bad holiday. Do not think of yourself as a needy person. Do not think of yourself as a person that is lacking. Just understand that this year Valentine's Day will not be your top holiday. If you want it to be a top holiday next year start now. Devise a campaign to find love.

Here is my idea for your love campaign. Check out some online dating sites and put up your profile. Be honest and include that you are a shy person. Start online chatting with some people that interest you. Then take the plunge and meet them. Do this in earnest like you are campaigning for a lover.

Let me know how this goes.

Overcome Shyness Keep a Diary

Dear Diary
Sometimes you become so used to feeling shy that you do not realize there are times you do not feel shy nor act shy. You think of yourself as shy and you think a lot about feeling and being shy. For some people their shyness takes over and they can not see themselves in any other way but shy period. It can be so mind consuming that if someone asks you what you do (meaning what is your occupation) you reply, “I am shy.”

In order to prove to yourself that you are not shy 24/7 you should keep a diary. Write down all the times you felt and acted shy. Write down all the times you felt shy but did not act shy. Write down all the times you did not feel shy and did not act shy.

This diary is important. One thing it will do is show you the specific situations you feel shy and act shy, the specific situations you feel shy and do not act shy and the specific situations you do not feel nor act shy. Remember information is important. It is important in accessing your shyness. It is important in tackling your shyness. This diary will show you where you need to work on your shyness. Once you see the specific situations that you need to work on you can come up with a game plan.

You will also discover that your shyness may not be as overwhelming as you thought. You will also discover that in certain situations you have overcome your shyness.

Let me know what you discover.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Overcome Shyness The Story of Lyndy

The Story of Lyndy

There are shy people and non shy people. No one is shy 24/7 and no one is not shy 24/7. I have a friend, Lyndy. She owns her own business that she built up from scratch. She is an artist and her business is artistic. She is a home decorator. She is doing what she enjoys and making a good income at it. In my experience it is not usual for artists to be tops in business. In my experience it is not usual for artists to like the business end of art. That is why I think Lyndy is unusual. I do not think she loves the business end of interior design but she knows she must do it in order to generate income.

Fortunately for her she is a people person and that is a big part of her business. She also is an assertive person. I would not think of someone who is assertive as being shy also. Yet as I stated no one is not shy 24/7. I learned that in some circumstances Lyndy is shy. I was surprised to discover this. Lyndy is assertive most of the time. Yet there are actually times she is shy.

Let me give you an example. Lyndy is actually shy when to comes to meeting men for romantic purposes. She is fine with meeting men as friends and clients but if romance is involved Lyndy turns into a shy person. Lyndy had a long time love and they broke up. It has been three years since Lyndy met anyone else to love and love her. I have encouraged her to get out there and meet men. She always has an excuse not to meet men. Yet she is sad because there is no one special in her life.

Does this sound familiar? Does this sound like you? You are usually assertive EXCEPT when it comes to…..

Lyndy is only shy when it comes to meeting men for romantic purposes. In most other situations she is assertive. However, being shy when it comes to love is serious. What is even more serious is that Lyndy does not want to recognize the fact she is shy when it comes to meeting men. She does not think she is shy when it comes to meeting men. Due to her intelligence her brain has tricked her into thinking it is the men, not her shyness that stands between her and true love. She has excuse after excuse why she will not put herself out there and meet her next true love. There is only one reason she has not met her next true love. When it comes to the opposite sex she is shy.

Being shy in only one area of your life can be serious. Look at Lyndy. Don’t be like Lyndy. Don’t miss out on a big, valuable part of your life. Join my newsletter. Buy my product. Get back into your life.

www.notshynow.com

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

PS Would love to hear from you. I never moderate comments so feel free to be brutally honest.

Ovecome Shyness Use the Three A's http://www.notshynow.com

How are you doing on overcoming your shyness? Are you working on any techniques? Are you making the effort? Are you pushing yourself?

If you are still stuck on overcoming your shyness I have some more tips for you.

I have a friend that is my mentor. She is very wise. She taught me about the three A’s. The three A’s are awareness, acceptance and action.

The first A is awareness. Awareness means you are aware you are shy. Awareness means only that you are aware you are shy. Awareness has nothing to do with the consequences of being shy. Awareness has nothing to do with how you feel about being shy. Awareness has nothing to do with whether or not you are a bad person because you are shy. Awareness has nothing to do with whether or not other people are bad or good people because of the way the treat you because you are shy. Awareness is a simple A. Just notice that you are shy period.

Awareness may take a while because you will want to add all the things I told you not to add with this thought. You must clear your head and focus on the fact you are shy. You will focus on the fact you are shy just as you would focus on the fact that you have brown hair. There is no judgment on your part about being shy. It just is a fact of life for you.

The next A is acceptance. Acceptance works the same ay as Awareness. Acceptance is means only that you accept the fact you are shy. Acceptance has nothing to do with the consequences of being shy. Acceptance has nothing to do with how you feel about being shy. Acceptances has nothing to do with whether or not you are a bad person because you are shy. Acceptance has nothing to do with whether or not other people are bad or good people because of the way the treat you because you are shy. Acceptance is a simple A. Just accept that you are shy period.

Acceptance may take a while because even though you know you are shy you will want to justify being shy. You will probably start to defend being shy. You may think you are now superior because you are shy. You may start to criticize yourself because you are shy. You must clear your head and focus on accepting the fact that you are shy. Just repeat over and over, “I accept the fact that I am shy.”

The last A is action. Please review my blogs here. There are many actions steps you can take. Join my newsletter for more action tips and information. Buy my product and overcome your shyness. You must do all three A’s. Each one leads to the next one. I can’t make you do the three A’s. That is up to you.

www.notshynow.com

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

PS Leave comments on your progress. Questions are always great also.

Are You Like Me?

Are You, Like Me?

Sometimes I have a huge problem that is weighing on my mind. I am thinking about it 24/7. All of my attention is focused on this one problem. I go over and over and over about it in my mind. I worry about it. I obsess about it. I am sure I can tackle it but how? What is the path to dealing with this problem that is so huge. What is the path to dealing with this problem that is taking over my life. What is the path to dealing with this problem this is taking over my time?

Sometimes I even look in my e mails hoping there will be a magical solution. A magical answer. I know there are no magical solutions. I know there are no magical answers. Yet this problem and the worry, despair, frustration takes over. My thinking becomes distorted. My confidence goes in the toilet.

I know that this is how you feel about being shy. I know it weighs on your mind. I know there is not a magical e mail you will receive to end your shyness snow. I DO KNOW there is an EFFECTIVE e mail you can receive to get on the path to ending your shyness snow. All you have to do is click on the link below. Join my end shyness now newsletter. You will get effective tips and information on how to end your shyness now. Don’t spend another minute suffering.

http://wwwnotshynow.com