Adult Shyness

The other day my friend, Julie came over. She brought her little girl with her. Julie's daughter, Tamara, is 3 years old. I had not seen Tamara in quite some time.

I said hi to Tamara and she hid behind her mom. Tamara is shy. I thought it was kind of cute. Julie did not.

For the next hour Julie shared with me her worries about Tamara being shy.

Tamara was never an outgoing child. However, she started to become extremely shy when she turned two. Tamara would hide when people came over. She stopped displaying the curiosity she had when visitors came over.

Julie had to discontinue Tamara's play group. Tamara refused to play with the other children. Tamara would hide behind Julie and even clutch on to Julie. It was too painful for Julie to see Tamara in fear.

Taking Tamara to the supermarket also became difficult. Tamara is a very cute kid. When strangers would approach Tamara she would blush, bow her head and grab Julie.

Julie was worried. She did not know what to do. She did her best to encourage Tamara but that did not work. Tamara was shy.

I do not know what the future holds for Tamara. You probably identify with this.

Shyness does start at a young age. Your family and loved ones may or may not have been helpful and supportive. Despite all that here you are and adult experiencing the agony of shyness.

Perhaps you have made some progress with your shyness. Maybe you have learned how to live with it. Are you settling for half a life by adapting?

You are not a child anymore. You may feel like one when your shyness hits you. But you have an adult mind to deal with those feelings. Are you using your adult mind in dealing with your shyness or are you just like little Tamara?

Don't let your shyness run you. Be an adult and use your adult mind to overcome your shyness.

Find out here.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Lonliness

Shyness and loneliness. You do not have to by shy to feel lonely. However, most people that are lonely frequently are also shy.

If you are shy it will be a struggle for you to connect with someone. That someone can be a friend or a lover.

The other day I got an e mail from a man 40 something. He stated he had traditional values. He was also shy. He also stated that he is a nice guy with a lot of nice, good traits. He wanted to know if he would ever find someone special if he was unable to approach anyone.

My reply was that it was not likely. I explained that a shy man with traditional values who wants a woman who can appreciate those values would have a hard time connecting. Why? Women that like men with traditional values usually want a man that is strong, the take charge type and make the first move type. This shy man was not able to do that at the present. I also told him that his nice traits would not be noticed if he was too shy to put himself out there.

I felt my answer was straightforward because I did not want to mislead him. I wanted him to see where he was at and decide if love beat out being shy. I wanted him to see if his desire to meet someone would motivate him to deal with his shyness.

If that was not the case he can end up lonely and alone.

I was also curious to see what other people said about his situation. The answers were all similar to mine. He did not have a good chance of meeting anyone if he was going to remain shy.

So for him and many others shyness and loneliness will go hand and hand. Of course it does not have to be like that. You and he can choose to finally confront your shyness. You can do something about your shyness.

Learn how.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Progress not Perfection

Are you still feeling shy? Are you discouraged?

Discouragement can happen to the best of us. How do you become discouraged? Usually you try and try but things do not turn out the way you expected. Once this happens you can become discouraged.

But suppose you change your expectations. Suppose you try and try and you do not get the outcome you want. Can you appreciate and respect the outcome you got. Sure it was not the one you wanted but how about looking at the outcome you got. How about recognizing that you did make some progress? How about looking at what you did achieve?

You were not an abject failure. First you made the attempt. You challenged yourself by trying. Are you going to ignore that? Of course not.

Second you may have even made a tiny bit of progress. Or you made a lot of progress. It was not the progress you expected but it was progress.

Third maybe you did something you never thought you could do. Should you downplay that? Never.

Are you now starting to notice that you can overcome your shyness. Are you now starting to notice that you are making progress. Are you now ready to give up feeling discouraged?

Keep going. Choose progress over perfection. You can overcome your shyness.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

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Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Get Unstuck

Today I will probably say some things that may anger you. I am not sorry about doing this. I am just letting you know what people that are shy have expressed.

There are two ways to see the world. There is the way that benefits you and lets you learn and grow. There is the way that keeps you stuck.

People that are shy view the world in the way that keeps them stuck.

Is this harsh? Are you starting to get angry? Okay. I am not worried that I have stated something that is getting a rise from you.

When you are shy practically everything you do that relates to other people will get your intense attention. You will obsess and worry ahead of time. You will be overtaken by physical sensations that you find unpleasant.

Right now you are starting to feel uncomfortable but you know exactly what I am talking about.

You will feel defeated before you even start. You will get into your negative thinking. You will know the outcome before anything happens. You are stuck with the reaction you know will happen. You are focused on the negative. You are focused on your own reality. You are focused on failing.

Even if you do what you fear and it does not turn out badly you do not trust that outcome. You do not trust that outcome to be repeated. You are proud it did not turn out badly but you do not believe that this positive outcome can be repeated by you.

Once again you are focused on your own reality. Once again you are stuck. You do not believe that you can benefit and grow from letting go and trusting yourself.

If you fail you see that as a tragedy. Failing has a benefit. Failing is a learning experience. I love the Bob Dylan line:

"She knows there's no success like failure and that failure's no success at all."

Success and failure are not the same but they do go together. Failure leads to success.

Confusing - yes.

True - yes.

Isn't it time to be different? Isn't it time to alter your reality? Isn't it time to trust yourself? Ins't it time to succeed? Isn't it time to get unstuck? Join the unstuck.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Learn how to Interact

I found this post from Cassandra. She shares her story about feeling shy.

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H i, I am new here.

I was always a shy child.

My mother was extremely shy. This makes it difficult to connect with people. So this is where I think the social anxiety comes from. I always felt alone. Probably because I have a very small family. I was not emotionally connected to my family. My brother ignored me, father in his own world and mother extremely shy so she did not talk much.

This left me alone and did not give me the tools to be social. I am shy but when feeling comfortable I love to talk, debate and share. But only when I am comfortable. Then I let loose.

So I have not learned to balance my shyness and wanting to connect. I am trying to find a happy medium where I feel comfortable. I don't like small talk - I feel bad but this bores me. I guess I am a bit intense and like to discuss interesting things. I am constantly analysing myself to figure me out. Thanks for reading my rambling. I am very kind but get bored easily. Can anyone relate at all. I would love to hear your experiences.
Cassandra

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Cassandra wants to connect with people. She feels she was not taught how.

She also mentions a balance between communicating and small talk which is one way to lead to deper communicating. First you need to meet up with someone in a gentle casual way and then you move on to more deep thoughts and personal things.

This is a common expereince if you are shy. Small talk is a stepping stone to friendship. Small talk is the way we meet and see if there is more to a relationship depending on the setting.

However, contact has to start somewhere on some level. You can learn this.

See how.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Garrison Keillor on Shyness

Here is Garrison Keillor's personal take on shyness.

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Shy folks, unite! And, don't feel so woebegone

by Garrison Keillor

`Sometimes I feel that maybe we shy persons have borne our terrible burden for far too long now. Labeled by society as "wimps," "dorks," "creeps," and "sissies," stereotyped as Milquetoasts and Walter Mittys, and tagged as potential psychopaths ("He kept pretty much to himself," every psychopath's landlady is quoted as saying after the arrest, and for weeks thereafter every shy person is treated like a leper), we shys are desperately misunderstood on every hand. Because we don't "talk out" our feelings, it is assumed that we haven't any. It is assumed that we never exclaim, retort or cry out, though naturally we do on occasions when it seems called for.

Would anyone dare to say to a woman or a Third World person, "Oh, don't be a woman! Oh, don't be so Third!" And yet people make bold with us whenever they please and put an arm around us and tell us not to be shy.

Hundreds of thousands of our shy brothers and sisters (and "cousins twice-removed," as militant shys refer to each other) are victimized every year by self-help programs that promise to "cure" shyness through hand-buzzer treatments, shout training, spicy diets, silence-aversion therapy and every other gimmick in the book. Many of them claim to have "overcome" their shyness, but the sad fact is they are afraid to say otherwise.

To us in the shy movement, however, shyness is not a disability or disease to be "overcome." It is simply the way we are. And in our own quiet way, we are secretly proud of it.
It isn't something we shout about at public rallies and marches. It is Shy Pride. And while we don't have a Shy Pride Week, we do have many private moments when we keep our thoughts to ourselves, such as "Shy is nice," "Walk short," "Be proud--shut up," and "Shy is beautiful, for the most part." These are some that I thought up myself. Perhaps other shy persons have some of their own, I don't know.´

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach