It is Okay to Feel Shy

I found a great site called answerology.com. It is a great community of on line people. I asked this community what they would like to know about shyness. This is one of the questions I received.

"I know one thing i'd like to see on a blog about shyness is that it's okay to be shy. i am extremely shy and i have come to understand that extremely sensitive people have good reason not to go rushing into situations where sensory and other overload can be too much to deal with. "

This is a wonderful question. It is also a complex question.

For me, personally, I can not tell someone it is not okay to be shy. That is not up to me to decide for someone else. Shyness is a personality trait. It is a personality trait such as “outgoing” is a personality trait.

However, even if I personally feel it is fine to be shy that is not necessarily how other people will feel. I may feel it is okay to be shy but may act as if it is not.
Suppose I meet someone that is shy. Suppose I engage this shy person in a conversation. Suppose the conversation goes something like this:

Me “Hi, did you agree with what was said?”
Shy Person “No.”
Me “What did you disagree with?”
Shy Person “Just everything”

At this point I will probably stop talking to you. There is really nothing more for me to say. You have provided me with all the information, conversation that you are going to share with me. I am not annoyed with you. I have not made a judgment that you are shy and that is bad. All that happened is that our conversation has ended. You may feel you could not go on any further because you felt shy. That thought may not have crossed my mind. I probably thought you had nothing more to say or you did not want to speak with me anymore. No matter what I thought the outcome is the same. I will stop talking to you.

Since I am not shy I can not describe how you felt. Of course, you know how you felt.

The point is that if you are shy this will probably be a scenario that you have experienced repeatedly. People will stop talking to you because you have ended the conversation with them. It is okay for this to happen if it is okay with you. This is a case where my opinion has no value to you. If this is the best you can do because of your shyness then that is what you have to do. If you feel fine having these short conversations then you should be okay with your shyness.

However, I do not think these short conversation are satisfying for you. I know you have more to say because you have told me many times via your e mails. So here you are in a circle. You want to say more, you have more to say but because you are shy you feel you cannot say much more. So the real question is, “are you okay with this?” If you are okay with this then you need to accept that it will be difficult for you to meet and talk to new people. It will be difficult for new people to meet and talk with you. It is not reasonable to expect a new person to continue talking with you. It is only reasonable for you to keep up your end of the conversation if you can or choose to.

There is a second part to this question. It deals with “sensory overload”. I am going to assume that people you know are encouraging you to just put yourself out there. I am also going to assume that doing this or even just the suggestion of doing this creates “sensory overload”. I am going to label this “sensory overload” stress. Putting yourself out there if you are shy causes stress. Doing something that is new and not comfortable can definitely cause stress. So of course you will want to avoid doing things that cause stress.

Once again you are back in the circle. Many social activities cause stress if you are shy. You can avoid some of these activities but there are some you must attend. Once you are in attendance you feel stress. You can protect yourself from stress but you can not fully avoid it. At some point you will be in a stressful situation. So here is million dollar question. Do you want to make the attempt to overcome your shyness thus reducing the stress you experience in these social settings or do you want to continue experiencing this stress the rest of your life? If you want to eliminate or reduce this stress then - Yes it will be a challenge for you. Yes it will be stressful working on this. And yes at some point you will reach your goal and relieve some of this stress you experience in some social settings. To be blunt – do you want to endure stress now to eventually lessen or even eliminate it later on? That is also not for me to decide. That is for you to decide.

I realize that the people close to you appear to be telling you it is easy and why can't you do it? Perhaps it will not be easy but you can do it. That is up to you. You need to weigh the present with the future. You also need to believe in yourself. You need to accept the challenge knowing you will be victorious. You need to take a risk. You need to find a plan and work on it. Take it slowly and do what you can. Do not get disappointed with as set back. Just stay on your path.

I think the best way to put this in perspective is to consider this fact. When you were a baby you did not know how to walk. Eventually you learned how to walk. You actually taught yourself how to walk. It was difficult. You struggled to pull yourself up. You struggled with balance. You grunted and groaned a lot while attempting this. You fell a lot. You were focused on being able to walk. And in the end you taught yourself how to walk. Probably the only difference between you now and you then was your thoughts. When you learned how to walk you did not have negative thoughts telling you how hard it is. You did not have negative thoughts telling you that you will never be able to walk. You practiced and practiced until you did it. You probably had 'sensory overload” but you learned how to walk in spite of that. Keep this in your mind if you want to overcome your shyness.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach