Adult Shyness

The other day my friend, Julie came over. She brought her little girl with her. Julie's daughter, Tamara, is 3 years old. I had not seen Tamara in quite some time.

I said hi to Tamara and she hid behind her mom. Tamara is shy. I thought it was kind of cute. Julie did not.

For the next hour Julie shared with me her worries about Tamara being shy.

Tamara was never an outgoing child. However, she started to become extremely shy when she turned two. Tamara would hide when people came over. She stopped displaying the curiosity she had when visitors came over.

Julie had to discontinue Tamara's play group. Tamara refused to play with the other children. Tamara would hide behind Julie and even clutch on to Julie. It was too painful for Julie to see Tamara in fear.

Taking Tamara to the supermarket also became difficult. Tamara is a very cute kid. When strangers would approach Tamara she would blush, bow her head and grab Julie.

Julie was worried. She did not know what to do. She did her best to encourage Tamara but that did not work. Tamara was shy.

I do not know what the future holds for Tamara. You probably identify with this.

Shyness does start at a young age. Your family and loved ones may or may not have been helpful and supportive. Despite all that here you are and adult experiencing the agony of shyness.

Perhaps you have made some progress with your shyness. Maybe you have learned how to live with it. Are you settling for half a life by adapting?

You are not a child anymore. You may feel like one when your shyness hits you. But you have an adult mind to deal with those feelings. Are you using your adult mind in dealing with your shyness or are you just like little Tamara?

Don't let your shyness run you. Be an adult and use your adult mind to overcome your shyness.

Find out here.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Lonliness

Shyness and loneliness. You do not have to by shy to feel lonely. However, most people that are lonely frequently are also shy.

If you are shy it will be a struggle for you to connect with someone. That someone can be a friend or a lover.

The other day I got an e mail from a man 40 something. He stated he had traditional values. He was also shy. He also stated that he is a nice guy with a lot of nice, good traits. He wanted to know if he would ever find someone special if he was unable to approach anyone.

My reply was that it was not likely. I explained that a shy man with traditional values who wants a woman who can appreciate those values would have a hard time connecting. Why? Women that like men with traditional values usually want a man that is strong, the take charge type and make the first move type. This shy man was not able to do that at the present. I also told him that his nice traits would not be noticed if he was too shy to put himself out there.

I felt my answer was straightforward because I did not want to mislead him. I wanted him to see where he was at and decide if love beat out being shy. I wanted him to see if his desire to meet someone would motivate him to deal with his shyness.

If that was not the case he can end up lonely and alone.

I was also curious to see what other people said about his situation. The answers were all similar to mine. He did not have a good chance of meeting anyone if he was going to remain shy.

So for him and many others shyness and loneliness will go hand and hand. Of course it does not have to be like that. You and he can choose to finally confront your shyness. You can do something about your shyness.

Learn how.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Progress not Perfection

Are you still feeling shy? Are you discouraged?

Discouragement can happen to the best of us. How do you become discouraged? Usually you try and try but things do not turn out the way you expected. Once this happens you can become discouraged.

But suppose you change your expectations. Suppose you try and try and you do not get the outcome you want. Can you appreciate and respect the outcome you got. Sure it was not the one you wanted but how about looking at the outcome you got. How about recognizing that you did make some progress? How about looking at what you did achieve?

You were not an abject failure. First you made the attempt. You challenged yourself by trying. Are you going to ignore that? Of course not.

Second you may have even made a tiny bit of progress. Or you made a lot of progress. It was not the progress you expected but it was progress.

Third maybe you did something you never thought you could do. Should you downplay that? Never.

Are you now starting to notice that you can overcome your shyness. Are you now starting to notice that you are making progress. Are you now ready to give up feeling discouraged?

Keep going. Choose progress over perfection. You can overcome your shyness.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

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Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Get Unstuck

Today I will probably say some things that may anger you. I am not sorry about doing this. I am just letting you know what people that are shy have expressed.

There are two ways to see the world. There is the way that benefits you and lets you learn and grow. There is the way that keeps you stuck.

People that are shy view the world in the way that keeps them stuck.

Is this harsh? Are you starting to get angry? Okay. I am not worried that I have stated something that is getting a rise from you.

When you are shy practically everything you do that relates to other people will get your intense attention. You will obsess and worry ahead of time. You will be overtaken by physical sensations that you find unpleasant.

Right now you are starting to feel uncomfortable but you know exactly what I am talking about.

You will feel defeated before you even start. You will get into your negative thinking. You will know the outcome before anything happens. You are stuck with the reaction you know will happen. You are focused on the negative. You are focused on your own reality. You are focused on failing.

Even if you do what you fear and it does not turn out badly you do not trust that outcome. You do not trust that outcome to be repeated. You are proud it did not turn out badly but you do not believe that this positive outcome can be repeated by you.

Once again you are focused on your own reality. Once again you are stuck. You do not believe that you can benefit and grow from letting go and trusting yourself.

If you fail you see that as a tragedy. Failing has a benefit. Failing is a learning experience. I love the Bob Dylan line:

"She knows there's no success like failure and that failure's no success at all."

Success and failure are not the same but they do go together. Failure leads to success.

Confusing - yes.

True - yes.

Isn't it time to be different? Isn't it time to alter your reality? Isn't it time to trust yourself? Ins't it time to succeed? Isn't it time to get unstuck? Join the unstuck.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Learn how to Interact

I found this post from Cassandra. She shares her story about feeling shy.

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H i, I am new here.

I was always a shy child.

My mother was extremely shy. This makes it difficult to connect with people. So this is where I think the social anxiety comes from. I always felt alone. Probably because I have a very small family. I was not emotionally connected to my family. My brother ignored me, father in his own world and mother extremely shy so she did not talk much.

This left me alone and did not give me the tools to be social. I am shy but when feeling comfortable I love to talk, debate and share. But only when I am comfortable. Then I let loose.

So I have not learned to balance my shyness and wanting to connect. I am trying to find a happy medium where I feel comfortable. I don't like small talk - I feel bad but this bores me. I guess I am a bit intense and like to discuss interesting things. I am constantly analysing myself to figure me out. Thanks for reading my rambling. I am very kind but get bored easily. Can anyone relate at all. I would love to hear your experiences.
Cassandra

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Cassandra wants to connect with people. She feels she was not taught how.

She also mentions a balance between communicating and small talk which is one way to lead to deper communicating. First you need to meet up with someone in a gentle casual way and then you move on to more deep thoughts and personal things.

This is a common expereince if you are shy. Small talk is a stepping stone to friendship. Small talk is the way we meet and see if there is more to a relationship depending on the setting.

However, contact has to start somewhere on some level. You can learn this.

See how.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Overcome Shyness Keep a Diary

Dear Diary
Sometimes you become so used to feeling shy that you do not realize there are times you do not feel shy nor act shy. You think of yourself as shy and you think a lot about feeling and being shy. For some people their shyness takes over and they can not see themselves in any other way but shy period. It can be so mind consuming that if someone asks you what you do (meaning what is your occupation) you reply, “I am shy.”

In order to prove to yourself that you are not shy 24/7 you should keep a diary. Write down all the times you felt and acted shy. Write down all the times you felt shy but did not act shy. Write down all the times you did not feel shy and did not act shy.

This diary is important. One thing it will do is show you the specific situations you feel shy and act shy, the specific situations you feel shy and do not act shy and the specific situations you do not feel nor act shy. Remember information is important. It is important in accessing your shyness. It is important in tackling your shyness. This diary will show you where you need to work on your shyness. Once you see the specific situations that you need to work on you can come up with a game plan.

You will also discover that your shyness may not be as overwhelming as you thought. You will also discover that in certain situations you have overcome your shyness.

Let me know what you discover.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Overcome Shyness Baby Step Three

Baby Step Three

Greetings. You are on the path to ending your shyness now.

Yesterday you took Baby Step Two. You made a list. It was easy. So now what? Now I want you to take a look at your list. Pick out one area you are shy in from your list. Just one and don’t agonize over the selection. Just pick one. It doesn’t matter which one you pick because this technique applies to all of them. Now that you have selected this one area you are going to do a little exercise. Don’t worry you won’t need workout clothes for this. This is a mental exercise. You will use your mind to do this.

Get comfy and relaxed in a quiet space. Turn off the radio, the TV and any other distractions. Ask anyone around to please not contact you for the next five minutes.

Take some deep breaths. Now let’s get started. Picture yourself in the situation you picked where you feel shy. Notice how your body feels when you feel shy. Are your muscles tense? Are you clenching your jaw? Is your stomach churning? Do you have a knot in your stomach? Identify all these sensations. This is your personal indicator of what shyness feels like to you. Spend some time with these sensations and notice every last one. This is the way you feel when you feel shy. Probably this is uncomfortable. Feeling shy does feel uncomfortable. Don’t get into your head and berate yourself for feeling like this. Let that go and just notice and observe the physical sensations of shyness.

So now you know how your body reacts to feeling shy. It is probably not a good reaction. It probably does not make your body feel good.

Now we go to step two of the exercise. Take some deep breaths. Picture yourself in the same situation EXCEPT now you are no longer shy. You are confident. Now how does your body feel? Are you still tense? Any stomach activity? Concentrate on seeing how you feel when you are not shy. Notice how your body feels when you are not shy. Notice your body’s sensations when you are not shy. This is how not being shy feels. Big difference.

Practice this at least once a day. Don’t go on to situation two until you feel that situation one is conquered. How will you know when situation one is conquered? You will definitely notice. When you imagine yourself feeling shy in this situation you will have to work hard to re create that feeling. When you imagine yourself feeling not shy in this situation you will not have to work hard. It will be easy to picture yourself as not shy. I know that in a couple of days you will notice results.

Next comes Baby Step Four. Baby Step Four is the last step. If you want end your shyness faster check this out.

http://www.notshynow.com/
End Shyness, Marcia, Your Confidence Coach