Overcome Shyness

Adult Shyness

2007-05-17T08:17:00.000-06:00

The other day my friend, Julie came over. She brought her little girl with her. Julie's daughter, Tamara, is 3 years old. I had not seen Tamara in quite some time.

I said hi to Tamara and she hid behind her mom. Tamara is shy. I thought it was kind of cute. Julie did not.

For the next hour Julie shared with me her worries about Tamara being shy.

Tamara was never an outgoing child. However, she started to become extremely shy when she turned two. Tamara would hide when people came over. She stopped displaying the curiosity she had when visitors came over.

Julie had to discontinue Tamara's play group. Tamara refused to play with the other children. Tamara would hide behind Julie and even clutch on to Julie. It was too painful for Julie to see Tamara in fear.

Taking Tamara to the supermarket also became difficult. Tamara is a very cute kid. When strangers would approach Tamara she would blush, bow her head and grab Julie.

Julie was worried. She did not know what to do. She did her best to encourage Tamara but that did not work. Tamara was shy.

I do not know what the future holds for Tamara. You probably identify with this.

Shyness does start at a young age. Your family and loved ones may or may not have been helpful and supportive. Despite all that here you are and adult experiencing the agony of shyness.

Perhaps you have made some progress with your shyness. Maybe you have learned how to live with it. Are you settling for half a life by adapting?

You are not a child anymore. You may feel like one when your shyness hits you. But you have an adult mind to deal with those feelings. Are you using your adult mind in dealing with your shyness or are you just like little Tamara?

Don't let your shyness run you. Be an adult and use your adult mind to overcome your shyness.

Find out here.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Lonliness

2007-05-15T08:19:00.000-06:00

Shyness and loneliness. You do not have to by shy to feel lonely. However, most people that are lonely frequently are also shy.

If you are shy it will be a struggle for you to connect with someone. That someone can be a friend or a lover.

The other day I got an e mail from a man 40 something. He stated he had traditional values. He was also shy. He also stated that he is a nice guy with a lot of nice, good traits. He wanted to know if he would ever find someone special if he was unable to approach anyone.

My reply was that it was not likely. I explained that a shy man with traditional values who wants a woman who can appreciate those values would have a hard time connecting. Why? Women that like men with traditional values usually want a man that is strong, the take charge type and make the first move type. This shy man was not able to do that at the present. I also told him that his nice traits would not be noticed if he was too shy to put himself out there.

I felt my answer was straightforward because I did not want to mislead him. I wanted him to see where he was at and decide if love beat out being shy. I wanted him to see if his desire to meet someone would motivate him to deal with his shyness.

If that was not the case he can end up lonely and alone.

I was also curious to see what other people said about his situation. The answers were all similar to mine. He did not have a good chance of meeting anyone if he was going to remain shy.

So for him and many others shyness and loneliness will go hand and hand. Of course it does not have to be like that. You and he can choose to finally confront your shyness. You can do something about your shyness.

Learn how.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Progress not Perfection

2007-05-10T15:52:00.000-06:00

Are you still feeling shy? Are you discouraged?

Discouragement can happen to the best of us. How do you become discouraged? Usually you try and try but things do not turn out the way you expected. Once this happens you can become discouraged.

But suppose you change your expectations. Suppose you try and try and you do not get the outcome you want. Can you appreciate and respect the outcome you got. Sure it was not the one you wanted but how about looking at the outcome you got. How about recognizing that you did make some progress? How about looking at what you did achieve?

You were not an abject failure. First you made the attempt. You challenged yourself by trying. Are you going to ignore that? Of course not.

Second you may have even made a tiny bit of progress. Or you made a lot of progress. It was not the progress you expected but it was progress.

Third maybe you did something you never thought you could do. Should you downplay that? Never.

Are you now starting to notice that you can overcome your shyness. Are you now starting to notice that you are making progress. Are you now ready to give up feeling discouraged?

Keep going. Choose progress over perfection. You can overcome your shyness.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Stop By

2007-05-04T06:09:00.000-06:00

Drop by my site.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Get Unstuck

2007-05-03T07:19:00.000-06:00

Today I will probably say some things that may anger you. I am not sorry about doing this. I am just letting you know what people that are shy have expressed.

There are two ways to see the world. There is the way that benefits you and lets you learn and grow. There is the way that keeps you stuck.

People that are shy view the world in the way that keeps them stuck.

Is this harsh? Are you starting to get angry? Okay. I am not worried that I have stated something that is getting a rise from you.

When you are shy practically everything you do that relates to other people will get your intense attention. You will obsess and worry ahead of time. You will be overtaken by physical sensations that you find unpleasant.

Right now you are starting to feel uncomfortable but you know exactly what I am talking about.

You will feel defeated before you even start. You will get into your negative thinking. You will know the outcome before anything happens. You are stuck with the reaction you know will happen. You are focused on the negative. You are focused on your own reality. You are focused on failing.

Even if you do what you fear and it does not turn out badly you do not trust that outcome. You do not trust that outcome to be repeated. You are proud it did not turn out badly but you do not believe that this positive outcome can be repeated by you.

Once again you are focused on your own reality. Once again you are stuck. You do not believe that you can benefit and grow from letting go and trusting yourself.

If you fail you see that as a tragedy. Failing has a benefit. Failing is a learning experience. I love the Bob Dylan line:

"She knows there's no success like failure and that failure's no success at all."

Success and failure are not the same but they do go together. Failure leads to success.

Confusing - yes.

True - yes.

Isn't it time to be different? Isn't it time to alter your reality? Isn't it time to trust yourself? Ins't it time to succeed? Isn't it time to get unstuck? Join the unstuck.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Learn how to Interact

2007-04-29T07:16:00.000-06:00

I found this post from Cassandra. She shares her story about feeling shy.

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H i, I am new here.

I was always a shy child.

My mother was extremely shy. This makes it difficult to connect with people. So this is where I think the social anxiety comes from. I always felt alone. Probably because I have a very small family. I was not emotionally connected to my family. My brother ignored me, father in his own world and mother extremely shy so she did not talk much.

This left me alone and did not give me the tools to be social. I am shy but when feeling comfortable I love to talk, debate and share. But only when I am comfortable. Then I let loose.

So I have not learned to balance my shyness and wanting to connect. I am trying to find a happy medium where I feel comfortable. I don't like small talk - I feel bad but this bores me. I guess I am a bit intense and like to discuss interesting things. I am constantly analysing myself to figure me out. Thanks for reading my rambling. I am very kind but get bored easily. Can anyone relate at all. I would love to hear your experiences.
Cassandra

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Cassandra wants to connect with people. She feels she was not taught how.

She also mentions a balance between communicating and small talk which is one way to lead to deper communicating. First you need to meet up with someone in a gentle casual way and then you move on to more deep thoughts and personal things.

This is a common expereince if you are shy. Small talk is a stepping stone to friendship. Small talk is the way we meet and see if there is more to a relationship depending on the setting.

However, contact has to start somewhere on some level. You can learn this.

See how.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Garrison Keillor on Shyness

2007-04-27T13:08:00.000-06:00

Here is Garrison Keillor's personal take on shyness.

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Shy folks, unite! And, don't feel so woebegone

by Garrison Keillor

`Sometimes I feel that maybe we shy persons have borne our terrible burden for far too long now. Labeled by society as "wimps," "dorks," "creeps," and "sissies," stereotyped as Milquetoasts and Walter Mittys, and tagged as potential psychopaths ("He kept pretty much to himself," every psychopath's landlady is quoted as saying after the arrest, and for weeks thereafter every shy person is treated like a leper), we shys are desperately misunderstood on every hand. Because we don't "talk out" our feelings, it is assumed that we haven't any. It is assumed that we never exclaim, retort or cry out, though naturally we do on occasions when it seems called for.

Would anyone dare to say to a woman or a Third World person, "Oh, don't be a woman! Oh, don't be so Third!" And yet people make bold with us whenever they please and put an arm around us and tell us not to be shy.

Hundreds of thousands of our shy brothers and sisters (and "cousins twice-removed," as militant shys refer to each other) are victimized every year by self-help programs that promise to "cure" shyness through hand-buzzer treatments, shout training, spicy diets, silence-aversion therapy and every other gimmick in the book. Many of them claim to have "overcome" their shyness, but the sad fact is they are afraid to say otherwise.

To us in the shy movement, however, shyness is not a disability or disease to be "overcome." It is simply the way we are. And in our own quiet way, we are secretly proud of it.
It isn't something we shout about at public rallies and marches. It is Shy Pride. And while we don't have a Shy Pride Week, we do have many private moments when we keep our thoughts to ourselves, such as "Shy is nice," "Walk short," "Be proud--shut up," and "Shy is beautiful, for the most part." These are some that I thought up myself. Perhaps other shy persons have some of their own, I don't know.´

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Get paid to Read E Mails

2007-04-26T14:40:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to let you know about a part time job you can do at home by yourself. You get paid to read e mails. YOU DO NOT PAY TO JOIN THIS SITE. THEY PAY YOU.

This is ideal if you are shy and want some extra income.

The emails are on a web page so they will not clutter up your in box.

You select the topics you are interested in.

This job would be for money for a rainy day. It could also be good for your family members that do not have the time to work outside the home.

Pass this on.

See what you think.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

You are an Adult

2007-04-25T06:44:00.000-06:00

Do not do anything about your shyness. Do not attempt to work on any shyness issues you have. Don't get the raise you want. Don't get the promotion you deserve. Don't socialize. Just remain the way your are.

That is reverse psychology. It sounds kind of silly. It may work on kids. you are not a kid. You are an adult.

So take the adult route. Visit here.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Your Break is Over

2007-04-23T06:32:00.000-06:00

Monday. The start of a new week. The start of new challenges for you.

What will you do this Monday to overcome your shyness? Have you given up? Have you stopped working on this situation?

Why? Things you tried did not work. Things you tried made you feel uncomfortable. Things you tried became tedious. All good reasons. All good reasons to give up. Not good reasons to press on.

Sorry that you have given up. Sorry that you have good reasons to give up. Sorry that you tried and did not get what you wanted.

Is that who you really are? Are you a quitter? I know that you are not a quitter. I know that you have NOT REALLY given up. You are on a break. You needed a breather.

Break is now over. Breather is now over. Time to get back on target. Time to pick up where you left off.

Time to move forward.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

An Appeal

2007-04-20T09:00:00.000-06:00

I am greatly disturbed by the information about Cho Sueng-Hui. Apparently he had some problems with shyness. Under no circumstances am I stating that his shyness caused his rampage.

What did disturb me was the unfortunate lack of understanding and knowledge of his public school teachers. He was asked to speak in class and for him this was a difficulty. Unfortunately, his teachers were not trained nor experienced in how shyness can affect public speaking.

Perhaps we need more information about how shyness does affect a student.

He was also teased by his classmates. This can be hurtful and painful. It can be difficult for people that are not shy to truly understand how shyness can affect someone. Of course ignorance is no excuse for thoughtless, callous behavior.

However, the damage is done and the hurt remains.

If you are shy and feel that you want to overcome your shyness please visit her. If you know someone that is shy please pass this along to them.

If you are not shy please consider your actions more carefully. I know that your intention is not to be hurtful.

PLEASE NOTE THAT I AM NOT BLAMING NOR DEFENDING ANYONE. I AM POINTING OUT SOMETHING THAT WAS INVOLVED IN A TRAGIC CHAIN OF EVENTS. THE RELEVANCE OR IMPORTANCE OF WHAT I AM DISCUSSING IS NOT SOMETHING I AM TAKING A POSITION ON. MY HEART GOES OUT TO ALL WHO WERE AFFECTED BY THIS HORRIBLE TRAGEDY.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Shyness Poems

2007-04-11T08:45:00.000-06:00

I found these poems about shyness. I think they are lovely, sad and heartfelt.

SHY by Kristen
Timid eyes
Seeking out an answer
A lump in the throat
Attacking like a cancer
Small dull emotion
All that can be shown
Hear a faint cry
As you lie there all alone
Envious of ideal
Images to be
The solemn, barren face
Is all that they can see
Reflections in the mirror
Are as good as it can get
Loneliness is no lost
Stranger to be met
Sadness is the base
For strength that you will gain
For now throw on a smile
And dry up all the rain

A poem by Dannii SHY
DO YOU FULLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE SHY?
TO WISH THE GROUND WOULD SWALLOW YOU UP,
TO SOMETIMES JUST WISH YOU COULD DIE,
TO BE SO CRIPPLED WITH FEAR
YOU NEVER LIVE LIFE TO THE FULL
TO JUST SIT ALONE
AND CRY AND CRY
TO ASK YOURSELF WHY?
TO ALWAYS FEEL AS IF YOUR BEING WATCHED
WHEN REALLY YOUR NOT
TO NEVER BE ABLE TO FEEL AT EASE
AND ALWAYS BE EAGER TO PLEASE
TO ALWAYS FEEL THE 'ODD' ONE OUT
TO ALWAYS HAVE THAT HORRIBLE SELF DOUBT.

By Gerard Williams
Shadow
i am
the shadow
walked all over
cast
upon the wall
unnoticed
hiding in the night
hiding from the light

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

PS always a joy to hear from you.

Communication

2007-04-07T11:05:00.000-06:00

Communication

There is a story of an old missionary who struggled by himself for many years in a remote area of the world.

Finally, the Mission Board wrote to tell him it had raised enough money to send an assistant. They sent a young man who had the self-confidence that comes with being young and right out of seminary.

When the young man arrived at the mission station, they called together the chief and the entire tribe to welcome him.

Then they asked the young man to say a few words. He could speak only English, so the old missionary stood by to translate. The young fellow said something like this: "We must always remember that there is an infinite and qualitative distinction between the eternal gospel and all the historical manifestations of it under the contingencies of human existence."

The old missionary stood for a moment dumbfounded, as the young man waited for him to translate.

Finally, the wise old missionary turned to the people and said, "Friends, he says he loves you and is glad to be here." -- USWest Health & Safety

To shoot over the heads of those we address does not so much reveal that we are brilliant as it reveals that we are poor shots. -- Dr. Dale Turner

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One thing shy people fear is saying what is on their minds. One reason is you believe that you will not appear intelligent, witty, deep, etc. Also you believe you will sound foolish.

I hope this story illustrates the point that you can be more effective if your communciation is easy to understand and meaningful. You do not have to speak in a way that is foreign to you nor your listener.

To get you on your way to speaking with confidence please check this out.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Give Yourself a Helping Hand

2007-04-05T08:28:00.000-06:00

The Boy Bathing
A boy bathing in a river was in danger of being drowned. He called out to a passing traveler for help, but instead of holding out a helping hand, the man stood by unconcernedly, and scolded the boy for his imprudence. "Oh, sir!" cried the youth, "pray help me now and scold me afterwards." Counsel without help is useless.

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Is this what happens when you talk with yourself about your shyness? Do you scold yourself? Are you harsh with yourself?

Why not give yourself a helping hand? You know that scolding yourself makes you feel worse, inferior, helpless and humiliated. Those feelings will not help you overcome your shyness. What will help you overcome your shyness is a helping hand. You can give yourself a helping hand. Be nice to yourself. Help yourself.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

PS Comments are like flowers. I enjoy them. Leave me some.

The Key

2007-04-04T10:58:00.000-06:00

The other day I was looking for my keys. I was in a mini panic because I could not find my keys. You would think I had lost something so valuable that my life would be over if I did not find it. It is just a piece of metal.

Yet my keys are very valuable and important to me. They are important to me for what they can do. A key can unlock or open something you want and need. A key can lead you to uncover something that is of great importance in your life.

A few minutes had passed. My mini panic was subsididng and I focused on finding my keys. I was looking for them as if my life depended on it. It did because without my keys I was stuck. I was not going anywhere.

I could take a risk and go somewhere without my keys but that could leave me open to something unwanted even dangerous.

So I searched and searched and I found my keys. I was elated.

Now I could go where I wanted to go. I could go where I needed to go and feel confident.

Have you lost your key to overcome your shyness? Are you searching for your key to overcome you shyness? Are you trying to overcome your shyness without a key to assist you?

This is your key. Use it to get to where you want to go.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Obstacles

2007-04-03T07:22:00.000-06:00

Obstacles? Deal with Them Now by: Brian Cavanaugh, T.O.R., The Sower's Seeds

An old farmer had plowed around a large rock in one of his fields for years. He had broken several plowshares and a cultivator on it. The rock bothered the farmer but each year he thought it was too big to deal with. Each year he would deal with it next year. After breaking another plowshare one day, and remembering all the trouble the rock had caused him through the years, he finally decided to do something about it.

When he put the crowbar under the rock, he was surprised to discover that it was only about six inches thick and that he could break it up easily with a sledgehammer. As he was carting the pieces away he had to smile, remembering all the trouble that the rock had caused him over the years and how easy it would have been to get rid of it sooner.

Is this you? How objectively are you looking at your shyness. Do you believe that dealing with your shyness is insurmountable? If you are viewing your shyness subjectively then you are probably not seeing it clearly. Look at it objectively and see if you could deal with it piece by piece. Do a little each day to overcome your shyness. Take baby steps. Chisel away the obstacle that is infringing on your life.

Check this excellent report out. It can be your sledgehammer to overcome your shyness.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Courage

2007-04-02T07:48:00.000-06:00

If you are shy you are probably concerned about speaking up and out. Probably you do not. This story shows the importance of speaking up. You need courage to do the right thing and say what is true. See if this story inspires you to get out of your shell.

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ABE LINCOLN made the great speech of his famous senatorial campaign at Springfield, Illinois. The convention before which he spoke consisted of a thousand delegates together with the crowd that had gathered with them.

His speech was carefully prepared. Every sentence was guarded and emphatic. It has since become famous as "The Divided House" speech. Before entering the hall where it was to be delivered, he stepped into the office of his law- partner, Mr. Herndon, and, locking the door, so that their interview might be private, took his manuscript from his pocket, and read one of the opening sentences: "I believe this government cannot endure permanently, half slave and half free."

Mr. Herndon remarked that the sentiment was true, but suggested that it might not be good policy to utter it at that time.

Mr. Lincoln replied with great firmness: "No matter about the policy. It is true, and the nation is entitled to it. The proposition has been true for six thousand years, and I will deliver it as it is written."

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Make Believe

2007-03-26T08:36:00.000-06:00

Make believe

The art of acting intrigues me. Some actors claim that they use their past emotions to give a performance. Other actors make a study of the person they are portraying.

I like the study method. I am a natural observer. I love to watch people and see what makes them tick. I love to study their way of looking at things and expressing themselves. This is how I learn how to be a better communicator.

If you are shy then communicating is a challenge for you. So how can you become a better communicator? How about with pretend and make believe?

For one week pick someone that is outgoing and expresses themselves in a way you admire. Make a detailed study of them. Observe how they handle themselves in all types of contact. How do they behave when they are stressed, happy, assertive, pensive? Just watch them. Take written or mental notes.

Review your notes and observations. Then pretend that you are an actor and this is the person you are going to portray. For all of those who are now protesting that this is not you, you are right. This is not you. I am not asking you to become someone else. I am asking you to see what it feels like to be someone else. I am asking you to practice and pretend being someone else. Just as if you were an actor. Just like you did when you were little and played a game of make believe.

The next step is to practice this when you are alone. Pretend that you are this other person. What mannerisms do they have? What is the tone of their voice? What is it they do that impresses you?

Why am I asking you to do this? I know it may sound a little off the wall. So what? Just try it. Here is why I am presenting you with this game. By watching someone you admire you will see that you are not that different from that person. You will also learn techniques to bring this sameness out in you. You will also learn how other people react when they feel the way you do. You will see how other people express and converse when they feel like you do.

This exposure will give you some new ways to interact with people. This exposure will give you a way to look at your shyness in a practical manner. It is also a fun, lighter way to view your shyness. Try it. You can do it in secret. No one will know you are doing it. Just pretend that you are an actor boning up on a part you may play in your own life.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Are You Naughty

2007-03-23T08:45:00.000-06:00

I try to present you with new material about shyness. But if you are like me you read it and think maybe I will do that. And you do it for a couple of days and nothing happens so you drop it. Or you do it for a couple of days and you say, "This is dumb." and you drop it. Or (and this is naughty) you read it and never do anything.

Why does this happen?

Naughty

If you are naughty and read these posts and do nothing - Somewhere there is a disconnect between what you read and what you believe of yourself. Where does this disconnect come from? Somewhere way back you learned to judge yourself as not being able to do this.

Somewhere way back you learned to limit what you can accomplish. Join the club. Now exit the club. Dig deep into your mind and think about why you have these judgements.

If the word judgements bothers you make it softer with the word opinions. If the word judgements bothers you then you are connecting with your past. Try to uncover what is below that annoyance. Annoyance is a smoke screen. Be smart and don't let your smokescreen get in your way. If you are lost in the smokescreen drop it for now and come back to it later. But come back to it. Don't be naughty.

Maybe I will do it

That sounds good. You might do it. But if you don't do it then go back to reading about naughty (again)

I did it for a couple of days

That is a start. You are trying. But you think not much is happening. I did not state "not much is happening." I stated "YOU THINK" not much is happening. Here comes the smoke screen again.

Have you noticed that the smoke screen comes up a lot? It is a barrier, a diversion your mind creates. When things get tough or they don't work out (quickly) your smoke screen comes up. The truth is that while you are doing this new thing things are happening. You are changing your mind set.

You maybe even changing your neural physiology. There are theories that a repeated thought will be imprinted in your brain. A slight trigger will set this imprinted thought in motion. Viola you feel shy. It is your job to keep going and work on to blocking this neural trigger. Once you work on that you create a new neural trigger that says "I don't feel shy now."

If you are still saying this is nonsense then try it for a month. I know that sounds like a long time. My mom used to tell me Rome wasn't built in a day. Dumb but true. And that message created a neural path way in my brain. I want immediate results but I don't expect immediate results. I do however, expect results .

Today is Friday. Cut yourself some slack and start this Saturday when you have some time to be with yourself. Be kind to yourself but also respect yourself. Expect that you can follow through for one month and change your neural triggers.

Get my newsletter e mailed to you. Its is free.

Feel free to comment. I never moderate my comments so whatever you write is posted. Tell me what is on your mind. I'd love to hear from you.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Everything You Wanted to Know About Self Esteem but were Afraid to Ask

2007-03-21T16:37:00.000-06:00

There is all this talk about "self esteem." What does it mean and how does it relate to you? This is a long but highly informative article on everything you need to know about self esteem. It was written by Nathaniel Branden a renowned expert.

It is believed there is a connection between shyness and self esteem. See for yourself.

Answering Misconceptions About Self-Esteem

by Dr. Nathaniel Branden

1. Does Self-esteem mean feeling good about yourself? Self-esteem is an experience. It is a particular way of experiencing the self. It is a good deal more than a mere feeling. It involves emotional, evaluative, and cognitive components. It also entails certain action dispositions: to move toward life rather than away from it; to move toward consciousness rather than away from it; to treat facts with respect rather than denial; to operate self-responsibly rather than the opposite. Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It is confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think. By extension, it is confidence in our ability to learn, to make appropriate choices and decisions, and respond effectively to change. It is also the experience that success, achievement, fulfillment, happiness, are right and natural for us. Self-esteem is not the euphoria of buoyancy that may be temporarily induced by a drug, a compliment, or a love affair. It is not an illusion or hallucination. Lots of things (some of them quite dubious) can make us "feel good" - for a while. If self-esteem is not grounded in reality, if it is not built over time through the appropriate operation of mind, for example, through operating consciously, self-responsibly, and with integrity - it is not self-esteem.

2. Doesn't a teacher's preoccupation with nurturing a student's self-esteem get in the way of academic achievement? That depends on the teacher's understanding of self-esteem and what is required to nurture it. If a teacher treats students with respect, avoids ridicule and other belittling remarks, deals with everyone fairly and justly, and projects a strong, benevolent conviction about every student's potential, then that teacher is supporting both self-esteem and the process of learning and mastering the challenges. For such a teacher, self-esteem is tied to reality, not to faking reality. In contrast, however, if a teacher tries to nurture self-esteem by empty praise that bears no relationship to the students' actual accomplishments-dropping all objective standards-allowing young people to believe that the only passport to self-esteem they need is the recognition that they are "unique" - then self-esteem is undermined and so is academic achievement. We help people to grow by holding rational expectations up to them, not by expecting nothing of them; the latter is a message of contempt. Research indicates that there is a significant relationship between self-esteem and academic achievement, and that if we can raise a student's self esteem, academic improvement tends to follow.

3. Can anyone develop high self-esteem or is it the prerogative of a fortunate minority? People of average intelligence or better, can, in principle, grow into psychologically healthy adults. Obviously parents, teachers, and other adults can do a great deal to make the road to self-esteem easier or harder. Sometimes, where there are deep psychic wounds and traumas left unresolved since childhood, a decent level of self-esteem can be very difficult to achieve. In such cases, psychotherapy may be necessary. But I have never met anyone utterly devoid of self-esteem and I have never met anyone unable to grow in self-esteem, assuming appropriate opportunities for learning exist in their worldspace.

4. Doesn't a focus on self-esteem encourage excessive and inappropriate self-absorption? Rationally, one does not focus on self-esteem per se; one focuses on the practices that support and nurture self-esteem-such as the practice of living consciously, of self-acceptance, of self-responsibility, of self-assertiveness, of purposefulness, and of integrity, as I discuss in the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. Self-esteem demands a high reality-orientation; it is grounded in a reverent respect for facts and truth. Excessive and inappropriate self-absorption is symptomatic of poor self-esteem, not high self-esteem. If there is something we are confident about, we do not obsess about it-we get on with living.

5. Can't one have too much self-esteem? No, not if one is talking about reality-based self-esteem rather than grandiosity. It is no more possible to have too much self-esteem than it is to have too much physical or mental health. But sometimes when people lack adequate self-esteem they fall into arrogance, boasting, and grandiosity as a defense mechanism-a compensatory strategy. Their problem is not that they have too big an ego but they have too small a one. Further, let me say that high self-esteem is not egotism, as some people mistakenly imagine. Egotism is an attitude of bragging, boasting, arrogating to oneself qualities one does not possess, throwing one's weight around, seeking to prove one's superiority to others-all evidences of insecurity and underdeveloped self-esteem

6. Isn't self-esteem essentially a godless pursuit? Is watching one's diet and eating intelligently a "godless pursuit?" Is exercising? Is striving to learn and grow? Is the pursuit of self-development and self-realization "godless?" Why would one think in such terms? With regard to self-esteem, I do not see "God" as relevant, one way or the other-unless you believe in a malevolent God who wishes human beings to face the challenges of life in a state of terror and paralysis. The plain truth is, some people with good self-esteem believe in God and others with good self-esteem do not.

7. Isn't self-esteem determined by parental upbringing? How some parents wish it were! But the truth is, many factors influence our self-esteem. Certainly parental upbringing is important; parents can make the road to self-esteem easier or harder-but they cannot determine the ultimate level of their child's self-esteem. Neither can teachers or other adults. Neither can biology--nor birth experiences. Yet all these factors can play a role. And among these factors, none is likely to be as important as the influence of parents, primarily through the values they instill, which can lead a child toward or away from growing self-esteem. However, we must remember the role that each individual plays, through the choices and decisions we make every day. We are not merely clay on which external forces write. We are active contestants in the drama. As adults we carry primary responsibility for the level of self-esteem we develop.

8. Isn't self-esteem the consequence of approval from "significant others?" No. If we live semi-consciously, non-responsibly, and without integrity, it will not matter who loves us -we will not love ourselves. When people betray their mind and judgment ("sell their souls") to win the approval of their "significant others," they may win that approval, but their self-esteem suffers. What shall it profit us to win the approval of the whole world and lose our own? It is commonly held that among young people the approval of "significant others" does profoundly affect self-esteem, and to some extent this is doubtless true--but one has to wonder about the reality of a self-esteem that is so precarious that it crashes easily if that approval is withdrawn.

9. Doesn't the possession of good looks, popularity, and wealth almost guarantee self-esteem? People who lack self-esteem sometimes think so, but the truth is that in today's world there are celebrities who have physical beauty, millions of adoring fans, and millions of dollars--and still they cannot get through a day without drugs. They live with severe anxiety or depression or both. Good looks, popularity, and wealth guarantee nothing--if one does not have the self-esteem to support them. Lacking such self-esteem, it is very easy to feel like an impostor, waiting to be "found out"-and waiting for all one's advantages to be blown away. Even among young people where the assets mentioned above tend to be more important, the relation of these assets to self-esteem is fragile at best; long-term, they are far from an adequate foundation for the experience of competence and worth.

10. Does praising appropriate behavior nurture self-esteem? That depends on what is meant by "praising" If we see a child acting consciously and responsibly, and we acknowledge this behavior with recognition and appreciation, we may increase the likelihood that such behavior will be repeated. If we ridicule, punish, or ignore it, we may produce the opposite result. Either way, we may indirectly influence the child's self-esteem (although not necessarily). But to be effective, praise - or more exactly, recognition-should be reality-based, calibrated to the significance of the child's actions (in other words, not extravagant or grandiose), and directed at the child's behavior rather than his or her character. Sweeping statements such as "You're a perfect angel," or "You're always such a good girl," or "You're always so kind and loving," are not helpful; rather than nurture self-esteem, they tend to evoke anxiety, since the child knows there are times when they are not true. Even with these restrictions, praise or recognition needs to be administered cautiously, so as to avoid turning a child into an approval-addict. We want a child to experience the intrinsic pleasure that flows from appropriate behavior. We want the child to become the source of his or her own approval, nor always waiting eagerly for ours. So we need to avoid bombarding a child with our "evaluations."

11. Isn't it true that if you have high self-esteem, nothing bothers you? Some enthusiasts for self-esteem believe good self-esteem solves nearly all the important problems of life. This is untrue. Struggle is intrinsic to life. Sooner or later everyone experiences anxiety and pain-and while self-esteem can make one less susceptible, it cannot make one impervious. To offer a simple example: If someone you love dies, does having good self-esteem mean the loss won't bother you? Clearly not. Think of self-esteem as the immune system of consciousness. If you have a healthy immune system, you might become ill, but you are less likely to; if you do become ill, you will likely recover faster--your resilience is greater. Similarly, if you have high self-esteem, you might still know times of emotional suffering, but less often and with a faster recovery--your resilience is greater. A well-developed sense of self is a necessary but not a sufficient condition of your well-being. Its presence does not guarantee fulfillment, but its absence guarantees some measure of anxiety, frustration and despair. Some people, when they face new challenges initially perceived as intimidating or overwhelming, may suffer a temporary dip in the level of their self-esteem. Then, as they persevere and master the new challenges, self-esteem rises again. Such fluctuations are normal.

12. Once you've attained self-esteem, is it automatically maintained forever? Every value pertaining to life requires action to maintain it. If we do not continue to breathe, the breathing we did yesterday will not keep us alive today. The same principle applies to self-esteem and the practices that support it. If--through the six practices mentioned above--we have succeeded in building good self-esteem, this does not mean that we now drop those practices without harm to ourselves. If we do not choose to sustain these practices--if we elect to operate mindlessly, irresponsibly, without integrity--there is no way for self-esteem to avoid being adversely affected. Neither a business, nor a marriage, nor a soul can be kept alive and healthy without continuous effort. Responsibility for appropriate action never ends.

P.O. 2609Beverly Hills CA 90213 Phone: 310-274-6361 FAX: 310-271-6808E-Mail: NathanielBranden@compuserve.comWeb site: www.nathanielbranden.net

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Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Are you a Jumper or a Dangler?

2007-03-20T05:45:00.000-06:00

Supposes you were not shy. What would you do? What would your life be like? Is this something you think about?

Suppose you were not shy. What would you be concerned with? Would there be another "fly in the ointment" in your life?

Is it possible that your shyness is a distraction? If your shyness diverting you from a bigger issue you fear? Is you shyness protecting you from something you fear doing?

I love swimming. In order to swim you have to get into the pool. Some people jump in. Others dangle their feet and slowly get adjusted to the water. The problem with dangling your feet is you may not go in the pool. If you jump you are in the pool.

So which one are you? Are you the foot dangler or the jumper. Most likely if you are shy you are the foot dangler. Can you become the jumper? Is your shyness preventing you from being the jumper even if it is just once and a while?

Try to be a jumper and join my newsletter www.notshynow.com

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Challenge Your Thoughts

2007-03-16T09:20:00.000-06:00

I have found something that will probably annoy, baffle and amaze you. It is called "Thought Awareness". That does not sound like fun. But it is something valuable for you to do to understand your shyness.

A lot of people believe they are shy because of childhood messages. A parent told you to "shut up." A sibling taunted you. Classmates rejected you or teased you. This information may be consoling to you but how is it helping you overcome your shyness. Now that you understand that someones thoughtless behavior was hurtful and harmful to you how do you rectify that? Perhaps by using Thought Awareness.

Here is the definition and ground work for Thought Awareness. Thought Awareness is a process. In this process you observe your thoughts for a period of time. You might say for the next 10 minutes I will be in Thought Awareness and observe my thoughts. Do not suppress any thoughts. Just notice what thoughts are going through your head.

Be on the look out for negative thoughts. These negative thoughts may come and go. They may sneak up. Here are some example of negative thoughts that may appear:

I should not have said that (dwelling on consequences of performance)
I wonder if I looked stupid (self criticism)
I wonder if this chest pounding is a sign of disease (Preoccupation with symptoms of stress)
I know I will not get a promotion at work (feelings of inadequacy)

Write down the thought. Then let the rest of your thoughts continue to flow. Write down the next negative thought. Do this for 10 minutes.

The next day set aside some time to review these thoughts. Be honest with yourself and see if these thoughts are based in fact. Are they reasonable, rational? Are they possible but not probable. Can you challenge these thoughts. Take a good look at these thoughts. How do they relate to you feeling shy? Are you a person that has many irrational thoughts? I think you will find that you may be involved with these negative (irrational thoughts). Now that you have this knowledge start to talk to yourself in a more rational, realistic way.

You can accelerate this process when you order this product - Subconscious Programming for Maximum Results.

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Start on you Thought Awareness. Get to know yourself. Take a look at the thoughts that run you. Take a look at the thoughts that come up when you feel shy. Write them down. Challenge them. The discover that you can remove them.

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Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Too Shy for Marriage

2007-03-13T09:38:00.000-06:00

I have a friend, Megan, that I have known since childhood. When Megan was in her 20's she was in love with Jake. Megan and Jake were dating for 5 years. They were both in love. They met and took it slow. They got to know each other. They both had careers. Jake was in advertising so he spent long hours at work. Megan was in retail and she to spent long hours at work. They had to make time to see each other because of their jobs. They had a pretty stable relationship. They had few arguments and fairly similar values. In other words they were compatible and in love.

Megan and I were different people. I was always outgoing and a big mouth. I was never considered shy. Megan was quieter and more withdrawn. I never thought of her as shy when we were growing up. Looking back I suppose she was shy. Not painfully shy but shy nevertheless.

Megan adapted to her shyness. She hid her shyness. She did not speak up in school. She got by. She had a circle of friends mainly because she was not a threat to anyone. Megan would never stab you in the back. Megan would never gossip about you. Megan would never start rumors about you. Megan never demanded things from you. Megan was easy going and easy to be with.
Megan and I got along famously. I enjoyed her company and we had a good time together. Megan felt comfortable with me so I did not notice she was shy.

We only had one problem. We had a friend in common that lived in our apartment building. This friend, Cindy would invite Megan and myself over to play. We were about 11 years old. Cindy was one of those kids that liked to boss other kids around and create trouble. Cindy was a mean kid. She was manipulative and sneaky.

When Cindy, Megan and I got together for playing Cindy would exclude me. She would play with Megan and leave me out. Megan went along with this because she was flattered by Cindy's attention. I did not appreciate this type of treatment and stopped accepting Cindy's invites to her house. Megan continued to be friends with Cindy. I did not understand why Megan aligned with Cindy and I did not think about it much. What I did not know was that Megan was shy and she could be easily dominated by Cindy. Megan could not stand up for herself. I had no interest in dominating Megan. I just enjoyed her friendship.

Fast forward to Megan and Jake. The relationship reached a point where Megan knew Jake was the one. She wanted to get married. She did not bring this up with Jake because she was shy. She also was afraid to scare Jake with the “M” word. But she longed for marriage with Jake. They both loved each other. Jake told Megan many times he loved her. Jake never mentioned marriage. Megan was nervous and agitated over this. This was on her mind. She started to feel insecure. She wanted to talk to Jake about this but she could not. She was waiting for Jake to mention it. He did not.

She spoke to me about it. I was puzzled. I asked Megan why she did not mention this to Jake. All she said was she can't. I still did not know she was shy. She never said she was too shy to discuss it. All she said was why doesn't Jake care enough to talk about it. I had no answer to that. My only answer was that Megan should bring it up. Megan's only answer was she could not bring it up.

I told Megan what I do with things like this that come up in my life. I told her how she was at an impasse. She had drawn a line. I told her to cross that line. That is what I do when things come up. Megan said she could not cross that line. I could never understand why she could not cross that line.

That was 20 years ago. Megan and Jake parted company a few months after we talked about the “line” concept. Jake met someone else and they were married 3 months later. Jake moved away. Megan mourned her lost love for Jake. Megan became depressed. Megan never got over Jake.

The tragedy here was that Jake was waiting for Megan to mention marriage and Megan was waiting for Jake to mention marriage. Neither did and so they parted. Jake wanted to get married also. He was too shy to bring it up. He met someone that was not too shy to bring up marriage and so he married. Megan never got married. Megan lost her one true love.
What are you missing out on because your shyness inhibits you? This is sad story but it is a true story.

Could this be you? Don't miss out on the good things in your life because you are shy. Don't let your shyness impede your enjoyment of your life. Take care of your life. Take care of yourself. You can transform your life. You can cross that “line.”

www.notshynow.com

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Inspiring Thoughts

2007-03-09T09:23:00.000-07:00

Today I share with you other people's words. I believe they speak about the struggle you are having with your shyness. These quotes are truthful and inspiring. Take a look at them and see how they speak to you. Do they motivate you? Perhaps they will put you on a new path. Perhaps they will offer you an opening to make the change you wish.

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Helen Keller

With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity. Keshavan Nair

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. Anne Dillard

The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. Charles Dubois

The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn. Gloria Steinem

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers. M Scott Peck

www.notshynow.com - My free newsletter for those who want to take back their lives.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

The Opposite Sex

2007-03-08T06:54:00.000-07:00

Shyness and Romance
I asked a question on a website. It was a straightforward question. Here is the question.

'IF YOU MEET SOMEONE WHO IS SHY HOW DO YOU REACT? DO YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW THEM OR DO YOU MOVE ON? WHY?”

The answer has some good news and some bad news. Here comes the good news.

I want to get to know them. I want to find out why they are shy. I want to follow my heart and do what I feel is right. If it were the other way I would want someone to get to know me.
I would be myself. Shy people are willing to listen and get to know you first.
I would keep trying to get to know them.
I like shy people. They simply lack self confidence and there is no shame in that. Shy people are interesting to talk to once they become comfortable with you. You will find a really amazing person underneath the shyness.
Shy is kind of nice. Refreshing. I would try to get a shy person to relax and let them see the human side of me. I like to get to know them better and see what makes them tick. Shy people can be a blast once once they get relaxed and get to now you. I prefer shy people to over confident and cocky. They are worth the wait.
If I am really interested in this person I will give them time to open up. I will set a certain amount of time of time for them to open up.
People say a lot of things about shy people. Some comments are nice, some are nasty, but most don't even bother to connect..
Whenever I meet someone who is shy...I try to feel his mood. If I sensed that he wants to be alone, I just leave him at his peace. But if he's alright with my friendly gesture, and or if fate got our paths crossed the next time around, I approach the person, introduce myself and try a compliment or say something nice about him that i notice. Maybe crack a joke just to break the ice!
Even the most shy person you know could have a very interesting personality just hiding behind that timid self. Maybe he just needs some time to loosen up a bit. It's not cool to judge a person just because he's not outgoing or very vocal about himself. Being misunderstood just because..isn't cool at all. Get to know him..because if you just let yourself "move on" without knowing him, you'll be spending the next 10 years of your life wondering about the "what IF's" of your social life.
So what do you think of these answers? Are your surprised or did you know this all along? Did you know that people find shy people sexy and attractive? Has this boosted your confidence?

I think this information is extremely valuable. It means don't give up finding true love, companionship, friendship. It means give people a chance to get to know you. It means go easy on yourself.

No comes the bad news.

Move on, it's too difficult to bring people out of their shells.
Normally it would not matter. But as time passes I learned that I'd rather move on. Unless I'm really wanting it to work. I would give it a try. But if it becomes too frustrating and tiring for me then I would move on especially if it is too difficult to bring them out of their shell. If they can not communicate their emotions well I can not read their minds. It is too hard.
This is a difficult one for me because, I am also very shy myself. So, if I were to meet someone else who is just as shy, there wouldn't be a whole lot of talking going on.
In my experience, shy people tend to attract opposite personalities (just as well for us!).
I'll try to initiate the conversation by talking about something ...but if after a time I do not get a response then i guess I'll move on ....especially if that person is the opposite sex..
Move on if they can't communicate their emotions well and I can't be a mind reader. Too hard and too much work with so many people out there.
I'll try to initiate the conversation. If after sometime there is still no response then i guess I'll move on ....especially if that person is the opposite sex.

This is not actually serious. What it does say is that people do not want to work to get to know other people. They would prefer it to be a give and take. They are willing to give it a shot but they expect a reaction.

They also want to know where they stand with you. They need feedback . They are willing to be patient but they will need TLC back in a fairly short time period. So if you know someone like this and you like them don't dawdle. If you do they could be gone. Just make the attempt. They will appreciate that.

If you need more help join my free newsletter.

http://www.notshynow.com/

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

PS Let me know what you want to hear about. Tell me about your romance issues.

My Name is Luna

2007-03-07T07:22:00.000-07:00

Today I want to tell you about Luna. Luna is a shy person. She has a lot of difficulty meeting new people. She has extreme difficulty telling people her name, Luna. It is not a common name. It is an unusual name. Just saying, “My name is Luna.” is a major stresser for Luna. She does not want to draw attention to herself. Introducing herself draws attention to herself. Her name is a conversation piece. When she tells people her name (which she rarely does because it stresses her out) people usually comment on it. More attention drawn to her. More anxiety. More shyness. More wanting to withdraw. More wanting to escape. More wanting to go back to safety. This was Luna in 2006.

Now it is 2007 and Luna is still named Luna. Only now in 2007 Luna can introduce herself and feel okay about doing that. What changed between 2006 and 2007 for Luna? A lot..

Sometime in 2006 Luna got fed up. She was tired of feeling nervous, worried, agitated, stressed, frightened, apprehensive, edgy, flustered, upset, uptight, on edge, troubled, uneasy, bothered, and hyper sensitive. Luna was 20 years old and she freaked out when she said her name. It was time for her to get a handle on this once and for all. It was time for Luna to have a life. It was time for Luna to feel better.

Luna decided to seek help. She went to a psychologist. Luna did not know why she felt shy. Luna analyzed her background. There were things in her upbringing that she felt had something to do with her feeling shy. Luna felt a psychologist could help her with these issues. After a couple of sessions with her psychologist Luna discovered something. Luna was pretty surprised at this discovery. Luna found out she was depressed. That was a strange discovery. Luna thought she was shy. She did not feel depressed. Luna's psychologist explained that

“Although no one knows why, a great number of depressions are also accompanied by anxiety. In one study, 85 per cent with major depression were also diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. Because they go hand and hand, anxiety and depression are considered fraternal twins of mod disorder.”

This was an eye opener for Luna. At last Luna had an answer to what was really going on inside of her. At last Luna could get help and move on.
It is important understand exactly what is going on with you. It is important to get the whole picture.

Can you be experiencing depression? Can you be misled by how you feel? If you think depression may be part of your shyness then please check out this product. Do something good for yourself today.

http://www.selfimprovementtoolshop.com/sydn.html

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

PS Love to hear from you.

Fear is a Joy Killer

2007-03-05T07:07:00.000-07:00

Is fear your constant companion? Is fear running your life? Is fear controlling your life? What are you afraid of?

Fear is a powerful emotion. Fear can be crippling. Fear can interfere with your life. Fear can take over your thoughts. Fear is in a innate response but... it can also be a learned response. That means you can teach yourself not to be afraid. YOU CAN UNLEARN YOUR FEAR.

Become your own teacher. Teach yourself how to overcome your fear. I have the course for you. Use my course and overcome your fear. Do this in the privacy of your home. Study hard and succeed.

www.notshynow.com

See you at your graduation.

Marcia, your Confidence Coach

Week End Fun

2007-03-02T07:27:00.000-07:00

It is Friday. A lot of people rejoice over the fact it is Friday. The weekend is coming. A lot of people have exciting week end plans.

Week end plans - attend concert, hang out with significant other, hang out with the girls, hang out with the boys, short road trip with friends, dinner/lunch with friends, attend special meeting, drama group, blind date, parties, movie date, nieghborhood activity, run errands, see an exibit, religious services, religious social activities, see a play, sporting event, shopping, hiking, ETC.

The list could go on and on. If you feel shy perhaps you want to do some of these things. Yet you will not be able to do some of these things because you feel to shy too participate. If you feel shy perhaps you have convinvced yourself that you are not even interested in doing any of these things.

Take back your life. Start doing things. Sign up for my free newsletter and learn how.

www.notshynow.com

Marcia, your Confidence Coach

It is Okay to Feel Shy

2007-02-28T05:05:00.000-07:00

I found a great site called answerology.com. It is a great community of on line people. I asked this community what they would like to know about shyness. This is one of the questions I received.

"I know one thing i'd like to see on a blog about shyness is that it's okay to be shy. i am extremely shy and i have come to understand that extremely sensitive people have good reason not to go rushing into situations where sensory and other overload can be too much to deal with. "

This is a wonderful question. It is also a complex question.

For me, personally, I can not tell someone it is not okay to be shy. That is not up to me to decide for someone else. Shyness is a personality trait. It is a personality trait such as “outgoing” is a personality trait.

However, even if I personally feel it is fine to be shy that is not necessarily how other people will feel. I may feel it is okay to be shy but may act as if it is not.
Suppose I meet someone that is shy. Suppose I engage this shy person in a conversation. Suppose the conversation goes something like this:

Me “Hi, did you agree with what was said?”
Shy Person “No.”
Me “What did you disagree with?”
Shy Person “Just everything”

At this point I will probably stop talking to you. There is really nothing more for me to say. You have provided me with all the information, conversation that you are going to share with me. I am not annoyed with you. I have not made a judgment that you are shy and that is bad. All that happened is that our conversation has ended. You may feel you could not go on any further because you felt shy. That thought may not have crossed my mind. I probably thought you had nothing more to say or you did not want to speak with me anymore. No matter what I thought the outcome is the same. I will stop talking to you.

Since I am not shy I can not describe how you felt. Of course, you know how you felt.

The point is that if you are shy this will probably be a scenario that you have experienced repeatedly. People will stop talking to you because you have ended the conversation with them. It is okay for this to happen if it is okay with you. This is a case where my opinion has no value to you. If this is the best you can do because of your shyness then that is what you have to do. If you feel fine having these short conversations then you should be okay with your shyness.

However, I do not think these short conversation are satisfying for you. I know you have more to say because you have told me many times via your e mails. So here you are in a circle. You want to say more, you have more to say but because you are shy you feel you cannot say much more. So the real question is, “are you okay with this?” If you are okay with this then you need to accept that it will be difficult for you to meet and talk to new people. It will be difficult for new people to meet and talk with you. It is not reasonable to expect a new person to continue talking with you. It is only reasonable for you to keep up your end of the conversation if you can or choose to.

There is a second part to this question. It deals with “sensory overload”. I am going to assume that people you know are encouraging you to just put yourself out there. I am also going to assume that doing this or even just the suggestion of doing this creates “sensory overload”. I am going to label this “sensory overload” stress. Putting yourself out there if you are shy causes stress. Doing something that is new and not comfortable can definitely cause stress. So of course you will want to avoid doing things that cause stress.

Once again you are back in the circle. Many social activities cause stress if you are shy. You can avoid some of these activities but there are some you must attend. Once you are in attendance you feel stress. You can protect yourself from stress but you can not fully avoid it. At some point you will be in a stressful situation. So here is million dollar question. Do you want to make the attempt to overcome your shyness thus reducing the stress you experience in these social settings or do you want to continue experiencing this stress the rest of your life? If you want to eliminate or reduce this stress then - Yes it will be a challenge for you. Yes it will be stressful working on this. And yes at some point you will reach your goal and relieve some of this stress you experience in some social settings. To be blunt – do you want to endure stress now to eventually lessen or even eliminate it later on? That is also not for me to decide. That is for you to decide.

I realize that the people close to you appear to be telling you it is easy and why can't you do it? Perhaps it will not be easy but you can do it. That is up to you. You need to weigh the present with the future. You also need to believe in yourself. You need to accept the challenge knowing you will be victorious. You need to take a risk. You need to find a plan and work on it. Take it slowly and do what you can. Do not get disappointed with as set back. Just stay on your path.

I think the best way to put this in perspective is to consider this fact. When you were a baby you did not know how to walk. Eventually you learned how to walk. You actually taught yourself how to walk. It was difficult. You struggled to pull yourself up. You struggled with balance. You grunted and groaned a lot while attempting this. You fell a lot. You were focused on being able to walk. And in the end you taught yourself how to walk. Probably the only difference between you now and you then was your thoughts. When you learned how to walk you did not have negative thoughts telling you how hard it is. You did not have negative thoughts telling you that you will never be able to walk. You practiced and practiced until you did it. You probably had 'sensory overload” but you learned how to walk in spite of that. Keep this in your mind if you want to overcome your shyness.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Setting Boundaries

2007-02-26T15:37:00.000-07:00

Boundaries
If you are shy do you have a hard time time expressing yourself when someone asks you do something you do not want to do? If you answered yes then you know how troubling this can be. Saying yes when you mean no can mean you are spending time doing things that you really do not have the time for. However, you did not say no because you are shy so you are stuck doing something you do not have the time for. Does this inability to say no interfere with your personal relationships? Do people close to you complain that you are too busy for them?

There is a way to deal with this issue. Of course you will have to learn how to say no. However, I am going to offer a new way for you to look at saying no.

Have you ever thought about “boundaries”? When you set a boundary you are really taking care of yourself. It is also a way of protecting yourself. Doing too much can result in stress and exhaustion. If you take care of yourself you will protect yourself from excess stress and exhaustion. Yo have a right and a duty to protect yourself. So setting a boundary is about taking care of and protecting yourself. It is now out of the realm of feeling shy.

I found this great article by Joel Garfinkle on how to set boundaries. I think his technique is especially useful if you are shy.

TOP 10 WAYS TO SET BOUNDARIES
Constant demands and requests from coworkers, colleagues, friends, and families can leave you drained and frustrated. It's not an easy thing to say "no" to someone or something. Change your perspective - you're saying "yes" to you and to your priorities and needs. You're not saying "no" to a person, but to his/her request. Boundaries protect your comfort zone.
Boundaries are not negotiable. You must communicate that gently, yet firmly, to others. When you set boundaries for yourself and respect the boundaries of others, you are actually building stronger relationships. Here are 10 ways to set and maintain boundaries and gain time, energy, and respect for yourself and others.
1. List people who drain your energy.
Even if you like them, they take your time without your permission.
2. Identify which boundaries you need to set.
Try to determing if you have trouble setting boundaries with specific people or specific situations. For example, you may be able to set a boundary with coworkers, but not clients.
3. You have a right to set boundaries.
Many people mistakenly believe that setting boundaries upsets other people. While others may not get what they want in the short run, you will garner more respect from them and for yourself by standing up for your needs.
4. Make a short affirmation to describe your new boundary.
An example would be, "I get to decide how to spend my time." or "My time is valuable and irreplaceable." Use whatever words are most powerful for you. Use an affirmation to remind you that setting boundaries is the right thing to do.
5. Rehearse away from work.
Talk to yourself in the mirror, write in your journal, tape record yourself, or find a trusted friend to role-play with. This is new behavior. The more you practice it, the better you will become.
6. Offer options to the other person.
Look for a win-win situation by taking control. For example, "I know that you would like to speak with me. Right now I need to finish this task. Can I call you later or would tomorrow be better?"
7. Communicate without anger.
Be clear and respectful. Use language that feels comfortable to you. Keep in mind that you are saying "no" to an unreasonable request, not a person as an individual.
8. Relax.
Before you respond, breathe deeply. Remember, you are saying "yes" to you and your time.
9. Think ahead and prepare.
List common situations that could use a boundary. If one of them comes up, you will have a pattern of action you can use at your fingertips. You won't even have to think about the best way to handle it; you'll know.
10. Check all your life's boundaries.
See if you need to set boundaries with family and loved ones. They can be a wonderful part of a full life, but they too can cause a drain on our energy, time, and vitality. Look at how you can set boundaries in all areas of your life so that you are able to truly create the life you desire.
Want more help and support with setting boundaries? Contact Joel Garfinkle and find out how he can help you set and maintain professional and personal boundaries and reclaim your energy.
Copyright 2004, Joel Garfinkle, All Rights ReservedJoel Garfinkle leads managers and executives to higher levels of professional and personal achievement. Partial client list includes: BofA, HP, GAP, Citigroup, and Eli Lilly. Visit Joel on the web at Garfinkle Executive Coaching .

Drop me a line.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Who is Your Final Authority

2007-02-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Red Light, Green Light

When I was little I used to play a game called Red Light, Green Light. I looked it up in Wikipedia and this is show they describe the game.
Red light, green light is a game played mostly by children. The "it" person stands at one end of the playing field, with the rest of the players at the other end. "It" turns their back to the others and calls out "Green light!" The players then run as fast as they can towards "it". At any time, "it" can face the players, calling out "Red light," and the others must freeze in place. If anyone fails to stop, they are out or must return to the starting line. Other variations include calling out "Yellow light" as a diversion, or where they must walk instead of run to "it". Calling Yellow Light has no consequence. The first player to reach the person who is "it" wins and becomes "it" for the next round
I really enjoyed the game. My friends and I played it fairly frequently. We developed little tricks to win. You could try and cheat but usually the person that was “it” had the final authority. That meant if the person that was “it” said you moved you could not challenge them. You had to go back to the beginning.
I was wondering how many times you give yourself a red light and a green light when it comes to your shyness. Also who is “it” in your life?
In the game “it” is the authority. “It” has the final say. Who has the final say in your life? I hope it is you. However, if you think about this there are probably times when someone else or something is the final authority in your life. For example you may consult with someone about one of your shyness issues. This consultation may result in criticism and you may end up feeling defeated. If a consultation ends with you feeling in the negative then you know that you are not the final authority. If you were the final authority you would consider this consultation, decide it was not of value and discard it. If you were the final authority you may decide that this consultation has some merit and find a way to implement it. So here is a case in point where you allow someone else to be the final authority.
A thing can also be the final authority in your life. Suppose you have a belief that you can not overcome your shyness. Now you have let this thing (belief) become your final authority. If you were the final authority you would be able to examine this belief and determine if it has value for you. If it does not have value then you would discard it.
What about red light, green light. How many times do you red light a valid attempt to overcome your shyness? Why are you giving yourself the red light? What about the green light? How many times do you try to get as far as you can when you give yourself the green light?
Have you devised any techniques to move as far as you can when “it” the authority is not looking? Do you want to win and overcome your shyness?
Play the game. Get as far as you can when you give yourself the green light. Become the final authority in overcoming your shyness.
Sign up for my free newsletter for more tips.
Marcia, Your Confidence Coach
http://www.notshynow.com/
PS Share your thoughts with me. Post a comment. Ask a question.

Coffee

2007-02-19T09:25:00.000-07:00

I like coffee. I know that there is a controversy about drinking coffee. I did some research on the benefits of coffee These are some of the benefits I found.
Helps asthmatics
has antioxidants
sustain concentration
sustains alertness
increases vigor
The next group of medical benefits are still being investigated. Early studies show coffee
decreases risk of gall stone
protectant against colon cancer
lowers the risk of diabetes
lowers the risk of Alzheimer
lowers the risk of Parkinson
helps headaches
lowers the risk of liver cirrhosis
I am not saying you should or should not drink coffee. The reason I choose coffee is because there is a controversy about it. The other reason I choose it is because people who like it will drink it period. People who do not like it will not drink it. People who like it but and are health conscious will probably stop drinking it. Coffee has gotten bad press. Bad press can influence our decisions. Liking something can influence our decisions. Disliking something will certainly influence our decisions.
So what influences your decisions? Did you ever think that the decisions you make very minute, very day are a huge part of your life? So huge that these decisions determine how you act, where you are in your life and where you will be.
Today you have an assignment. Write down the decisions you make today. Next to each one consider what influenced you to make this decision. Do this for a couple of weeks.
You will see a pattern of how you operate. Does this list show you felt forced to make most of your decisions? Does this list show you did what you liked? Does this list show you just picked something? Does this list show you researched your decision. Does this list show you made a decision based on facts. Does this list show you made a decision based on emotion? How does your shyness influence your decisions? Whatever your list shows it will be illuminating. It may even surprise you. You may think of yourself as cautious but you may find you make most of your decisions based on what you like to do. This can show you how you think of yourself and how you truly operate.
I like this exercise because it is can be an eye opener. I also like it because it is fairly easy. It can help you see your shyness in a new light. If you believe that you need to understand your shyness to cope with it this exercise can put you on that path.
You input is always welcome.
Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Start your Love Campaign

2007-02-12T16:19:00.000-07:00

So if you are anti Christmas there is an expression for that. It is bah humbug! How about if you are anti Valentine's Day? No expression. Love is great. Valentine's Day is not. It is okay at best. There should be an expression for those that are anti Valentine's Day.

I am not a lover of Valentine's Day. I know many people that weep on Valentine's Day because they are alone. How can a holiday that is about a good thing love end up making so many people feel bad? Valentine's Day reminds the loveless that they are without love.

Valentine's Day is so in your face. The cards, the ads, the giddy people. It is especially difficult for shy people. It is especially difficult for shy people that are longing for someone special.

My words of wisdom for shy people is to think of Valentine's Day as a bad holiday. Do not think of yourself as a needy person. Do not think of yourself as a person that is lacking. Just understand that this year Valentine's Day will not be your top holiday. If you want it to be a top holiday next year start now. Devise a campaign to find love.

Here is my idea for your love campaign. Check out some online dating sites and put up your profile. Be honest and include that you are a shy person. Start online chatting with some people that interest you. Then take the plunge and meet them. Do this in earnest like you are campaigning for a lover.

Let me know how this goes.

Overcome Shyness Keep a Diary

2007-02-10T18:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary
Sometimes you become so used to feeling shy that you do not realize there are times you do not feel shy nor act shy. You think of yourself as shy and you think a lot about feeling and being shy. For some people their shyness takes over and they can not see themselves in any other way but shy period. It can be so mind consuming that if someone asks you what you do (meaning what is your occupation) you reply, “I am shy.”

In order to prove to yourself that you are not shy 24/7 you should keep a diary. Write down all the times you felt and acted shy. Write down all the times you felt shy but did not act shy. Write down all the times you did not feel shy and did not act shy.

This diary is important. One thing it will do is show you the specific situations you feel shy and act shy, the specific situations you feel shy and do not act shy and the specific situations you do not feel nor act shy. Remember information is important. It is important in accessing your shyness. It is important in tackling your shyness. This diary will show you where you need to work on your shyness. Once you see the specific situations that you need to work on you can come up with a game plan.

You will also discover that your shyness may not be as overwhelming as you thought. You will also discover that in certain situations you have overcome your shyness.

Let me know what you discover.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Overcome Shyness The Story of Lyndy

2007-02-07T09:56:00.000-07:00

The Story of Lyndy

There are shy people and non shy people. No one is shy 24/7 and no one is not shy 24/7. I have a friend, Lyndy. She owns her own business that she built up from scratch. She is an artist and her business is artistic. She is a home decorator. She is doing what she enjoys and making a good income at it. In my experience it is not usual for artists to be tops in business. In my experience it is not usual for artists to like the business end of art. That is why I think Lyndy is unusual. I do not think she loves the business end of interior design but she knows she must do it in order to generate income.

Fortunately for her she is a people person and that is a big part of her business. She also is an assertive person. I would not think of someone who is assertive as being shy also. Yet as I stated no one is not shy 24/7. I learned that in some circumstances Lyndy is shy. I was surprised to discover this. Lyndy is assertive most of the time. Yet there are actually times she is shy.

Let me give you an example. Lyndy is actually shy when to comes to meeting men for romantic purposes. She is fine with meeting men as friends and clients but if romance is involved Lyndy turns into a shy person. Lyndy had a long time love and they broke up. It has been three years since Lyndy met anyone else to love and love her. I have encouraged her to get out there and meet men. She always has an excuse not to meet men. Yet she is sad because there is no one special in her life.

Does this sound familiar? Does this sound like you? You are usually assertive EXCEPT when it comes to…..

Lyndy is only shy when it comes to meeting men for romantic purposes. In most other situations she is assertive. However, being shy when it comes to love is serious. What is even more serious is that Lyndy does not want to recognize the fact she is shy when it comes to meeting men. She does not think she is shy when it comes to meeting men. Due to her intelligence her brain has tricked her into thinking it is the men, not her shyness that stands between her and true love. She has excuse after excuse why she will not put herself out there and meet her next true love. There is only one reason she has not met her next true love. When it comes to the opposite sex she is shy.

Being shy in only one area of your life can be serious. Look at Lyndy. Don’t be like Lyndy. Don’t miss out on a big, valuable part of your life. Join my newsletter. Buy my product. Get back into your life.

www.notshynow.com

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

PS Would love to hear from you. I never moderate comments so feel free to be brutally honest.

Ovecome Shyness Use the Three A's http://www.notshynow.com

2007-02-06T16:06:00.000-07:00

How are you doing on overcoming your shyness? Are you working on any techniques? Are you making the effort? Are you pushing yourself?

If you are still stuck on overcoming your shyness I have some more tips for you.

I have a friend that is my mentor. She is very wise. She taught me about the three A’s. The three A’s are awareness, acceptance and action.

The first A is awareness. Awareness means you are aware you are shy. Awareness means only that you are aware you are shy. Awareness has nothing to do with the consequences of being shy. Awareness has nothing to do with how you feel about being shy. Awareness has nothing to do with whether or not you are a bad person because you are shy. Awareness has nothing to do with whether or not other people are bad or good people because of the way the treat you because you are shy. Awareness is a simple A. Just notice that you are shy period.

Awareness may take a while because you will want to add all the things I told you not to add with this thought. You must clear your head and focus on the fact you are shy. You will focus on the fact you are shy just as you would focus on the fact that you have brown hair. There is no judgment on your part about being shy. It just is a fact of life for you.

The next A is acceptance. Acceptance works the same ay as Awareness. Acceptance is means only that you accept the fact you are shy. Acceptance has nothing to do with the consequences of being shy. Acceptance has nothing to do with how you feel about being shy. Acceptances has nothing to do with whether or not you are a bad person because you are shy. Acceptance has nothing to do with whether or not other people are bad or good people because of the way the treat you because you are shy. Acceptance is a simple A. Just accept that you are shy period.

Acceptance may take a while because even though you know you are shy you will want to justify being shy. You will probably start to defend being shy. You may think you are now superior because you are shy. You may start to criticize yourself because you are shy. You must clear your head and focus on accepting the fact that you are shy. Just repeat over and over, “I accept the fact that I am shy.”

The last A is action. Please review my blogs here. There are many actions steps you can take. Join my newsletter for more action tips and information. Buy my product and overcome your shyness. You must do all three A’s. Each one leads to the next one. I can’t make you do the three A’s. That is up to you.

www.notshynow.com

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

PS Leave comments on your progress. Questions are always great also.

Are You Like Me?

2007-02-02T15:40:00.000-07:00

Are You, Like Me?

Sometimes I have a huge problem that is weighing on my mind. I am thinking about it 24/7. All of my attention is focused on this one problem. I go over and over and over about it in my mind. I worry about it. I obsess about it. I am sure I can tackle it but how? What is the path to dealing with this problem that is so huge. What is the path to dealing with this problem that is taking over my life. What is the path to dealing with this problem this is taking over my time?

Sometimes I even look in my e mails hoping there will be a magical solution. A magical answer. I know there are no magical solutions. I know there are no magical answers. Yet this problem and the worry, despair, frustration takes over. My thinking becomes distorted. My confidence goes in the toilet.

I know that this is how you feel about being shy. I know it weighs on your mind. I know there is not a magical e mail you will receive to end your shyness snow. I DO KNOW there is an EFFECTIVE e mail you can receive to get on the path to ending your shyness snow. All you have to do is click on the link below. Join my end shyness now newsletter. You will get effective tips and information on how to end your shyness now. Don’t spend another minute suffering.

http://wwwnotshynow.com

Overcome Shyness Talk to Me

2007-01-31T09:24:00.000-07:00

Hi to all of you that are overcoming your shyness using the Baby Step Method. How is it going?

Are you really and truly working on each baby step? If you are not then get going. Time is moving on. Are you are still thinking, pondering and maybe even rejecting the Baby Step Method. I know it may sound like a silly name to some but so what? It works. Check in with other ex shy persons and they will tell you that they used this technique in some form or another. I have created the Baby Step Method so they may not know it by that name. They will know it when you tell them the details of the Baby Step Method. I can’t make you take the baby steps, that is up to you. I can only give you the tools to help you overcome your shyness.

If you are working on your baby steps good for you. Congratulate yourself on taking the leap. You are on the path to overcoming your shyness. I have one important piece of information I want you to read over and over and over until it is imprinted into your brain. Before I share that I want to tell you a secret. The Baby Step Method is simple but not easy. It is simple so there is nothing truly complex to do. It is not easy because you are doing something that does not come naturally to you. Keep working.

Here is what you must read over and over and over until it is imprinted in your brain - FOCUS ON EFFORT NOT RESULTS. This should be one of your daily mantras. Repeat it over and over and over and over. The Baby Step Method is simple but not easy. The effort you put in will create results. The results will not be instantaneous. That is why you must FOCUS ON EFFORT NOT RESULTS. If you do not put in the effort you will not get the results. Work it, practice it, do it! Every time you do this congratulate yourself. You are focusing on effort not results. One day soon you will wake up and see the results.

I have a request. I would love to hear from you on how this is going. I would also love to hear from you with your questions about shyness.
Marcia, Your Confidence Coach
http://www.notshynow.com

End Shyness Now - Your Check Up

2007-01-28T11:41:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all.
A few days ago I shared with you a quick, simple technique that you can use when you feel shy. I am sure you have tried this technique. I am also sure you used it a number of times. I am also sure it was helpeful and handy when your shyness took over.

I also shared with you the Baby Step Method to end shynesss. This is your check up visit. How are you doing? Are you making progress?

You should be working on those baby steps every day. Do not get discouraged. The way to overcome your shyness is to focus on effort, not results. The fact that you are making the effort is what is important if you want to end your shyness. If you focus on effort results will come. It is just like the saying "Practice Makes Perfect." Focus, Focus, Focus on effort. Practice, Practice, Practice.

For more tips and info check out: www.notshynow.com

Marcia, your Confidence Coach

Overcome Shyness Baby Step Four

2007-01-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

Baby Step Four
Well you made it to Baby Step Four. Congratulations.

You are truly working to overcome your shyness. You are feeling more relaxed with your shyness. You have identified what your body feels like when you feel shy. You have also identified what your body feels like when you do not feel shy. You have also made a list of circumstances when you feel shy. You have chosen one situation from that list. You are practicing what it feels like to not be shy in that one situation.

You have done a lot of work. You are truly taking a proactive approach to ending your shyness. You have come so far. You must stop to pat yourself on the back for being so courageous. You are truly ready for Baby Step Four.

Baby Step Four is the final Baby Step in the Overcome Shyness with the Baby Step Method. You are ready for it. In Baby Step Three you were practicing in the privacy of your own home. Now you are ready to go out into the world and show the world what you have accomplished. Yes you are going to engage in that one situation you have been working on and go out into the world and do it. You have the tools to overcome your shyness now. Go out and do what you have been practicing. YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Let me know what happens.

www.notshynow.com

Overcome Shyness Baby Step Three

2007-01-26T16:27:00.000-07:00

Baby Step Three

Greetings. You are on the path to ending your shyness now.

Yesterday you took Baby Step Two. You made a list. It was easy. So now what? Now I want you to take a look at your list. Pick out one area you are shy in from your list. Just one and don’t agonize over the selection. Just pick one. It doesn’t matter which one you pick because this technique applies to all of them. Now that you have selected this one area you are going to do a little exercise. Don’t worry you won’t need workout clothes for this. This is a mental exercise. You will use your mind to do this.

Get comfy and relaxed in a quiet space. Turn off the radio, the TV and any other distractions. Ask anyone around to please not contact you for the next five minutes.

Take some deep breaths. Now let’s get started. Picture yourself in the situation you picked where you feel shy. Notice how your body feels when you feel shy. Are your muscles tense? Are you clenching your jaw? Is your stomach churning? Do you have a knot in your stomach? Identify all these sensations. This is your personal indicator of what shyness feels like to you. Spend some time with these sensations and notice every last one. This is the way you feel when you feel shy. Probably this is uncomfortable. Feeling shy does feel uncomfortable. Don’t get into your head and berate yourself for feeling like this. Let that go and just notice and observe the physical sensations of shyness.

So now you know how your body reacts to feeling shy. It is probably not a good reaction. It probably does not make your body feel good.

Now we go to step two of the exercise. Take some deep breaths. Picture yourself in the same situation EXCEPT now you are no longer shy. You are confident. Now how does your body feel? Are you still tense? Any stomach activity? Concentrate on seeing how you feel when you are not shy. Notice how your body feels when you are not shy. Notice your body’s sensations when you are not shy. This is how not being shy feels. Big difference.

Practice this at least once a day. Don’t go on to situation two until you feel that situation one is conquered. How will you know when situation one is conquered? You will definitely notice. When you imagine yourself feeling shy in this situation you will have to work hard to re create that feeling. When you imagine yourself feeling not shy in this situation you will not have to work hard. It will be easy to picture yourself as not shy. I know that in a couple of days you will notice results.

Next comes Baby Step Four. Baby Step Four is the last step. If you want end your shyness faster check this out.

http://www.notshynow.com/
End Shyness, Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

OVERCOME SHYNESS Baby Step Two

2007-01-25T07:39:00.000-07:00

Baby Step Two

Yesterday you took Baby Step One. You admitted to yourself that you are shy sometimes. Don’t forget to recognize this accomplishment. Perhaps you had resistance to Baby Step One. Perhaps you hemmed and hawed about admitting you were shy sometimes. That is fine. The point is that you admitted it. You did Baby Step One.

So let’s move on to Baby Step Two.

Baby Step Two
Baby Step two involves making a list. Get a piece of paper and pen. Write down all the situations you feel shy. Keep writing until you have nothing left to write. Don’t worry if you feel silly doing this. Just write and write and write. Do not censor your mind. Just write and write and write. Once you are done with your list take a peek at it. If it is long good for you. You have admitted and discovered the exact situations you feel shy. If it is short then now you know exactly when you feel shy.

That is the end of Baby Step Two. Do you see how simple this is? Do you see how easy this is? I bet you are in a hurry to get to baby Step Three. You breezed through Baby Step One and Baby Step Two. You are ready for Baby Step Three. I bet you feel confident. I bet you are feeling relieved and relaxed. I bet you know you can tackle your shyness. I have something special for you. I included it for you because I know you are ready to end your shyness. Please check out the link below

5 Tips to Overcome Shyness.

http://www.shynomore.selfimprovementtoolshop.com/endshyness.html

Overcome Shyness with the Baby Step Method

2007-01-24T09:03:00.000-07:00

Good morning to all the shy people out there. Today I am going to share with you something exciting and special.

Shy people are great people who in some social settings lack confidence. Take a moment to let that seep into your being. So now we have established that you are great. But what about the confidence part? I looked up the word confidence and here are some definitions;

Assurance
Freedom from doubt
Belief in yourself and your abilities

Assurance – Do you feel self assured? Not when you feel shy.
Freedom from doubt - Do you doubt yourself? Yes when you feel shy.
Belief in yourself and your abilities – Do you believe in yourself and your abilities? Not when you feel shy.

Do you notice a pattern here? I do. Things are okay when you do not feel shy. So let’s see what we can do about this feeling of shyness. Let’s accept it as a part of you. Let’s accept that it is a part of you that will no longer stand in your way.

I can see you shaking your head with disbelief. You have been shy all your life. So what?? You do not have to be shy for the rest of your life.

Let’s get started in confidence building. I want you to think back to when you were a baby. Were you born walking? Of course not. One day you discovered crawling. Later on you discovered standing up while holding on to something. Later on you could stand up on your own. Later on you took some steps. Later on you were walking. How did that happen? It happened because you took baby steps. One thing at a time. One baby step led to another baby step until you were walking. After many baby steps you developed confidence.

So let’s take the first step. Step one is so simple you will laugh. Admit to yourself that you are shy SOMETIMES. Then say, “SO WHAT” and smile.

Stay tuned for your next baby step.

PS If you are in a hurry check out
www.notshynow.com

Just Breathe

2007-01-23T10:07:00.000-07:00

Just Breathe
I once attended a seminar on stress management. After about 6 minutes I was zoning out. The speaker was explaining the definition of stress. She also provided us with examples. The more she spoke about stress the more stressed out I got. I thought I would have to leave but finally she went on to some solutions. I was glad I stayed because I learned something valuable. I practice it whenever I need to. It is so simple. You can do it anywhere, any time.
Why am I telling you this? Stress and shyness are connected. Being shy can cause stress. If you can lower your stress level you can feel more comfortable. So for all you stressed out shy people here is the tip. JUST BREATHE!!!

It is a special type of breathing. Simple but special.

Instructions. Take a deep, deep breath through your nose. Keep taking that deep breath through your nose until you lungs feel full. As your lungs fill up your diaphragm will expend. You chest will move forward. Now hold that breathe for as long as you can.
When you are ready to exhale – exhale through your mouth very slowly. Keep pushing the air out until there is none left.
Do this three to six times.
Notice how much better you feel. You will feel relaxed, calm. Do this whenever you need to.

Here’s the gig. You have that feeling of shyness sweeping over you. You have a tool; deep breaths. Just breathe.

www.notshynow.com

In My Old Life

2007-01-22T13:45:00.000-07:00

In my old life I was shy. In my old life I could not ask anyone out. In my old life I was lonely. In my old life I stayed home alone a lot. In my old life I was shy. I left my old life behind. This is how I did it.
www.notshynow.com